Men and women play chess. All lasting relationships maintain a certain momentum because of this. It's a stadegy obtained through failed relationships: you learn to move your pieces to different spaces from the consequences of previous games.
You must first stake your territory and play from there; gaining and losing ground along the way. I've found no other opponent that plays the game as well as my on-and-off boyfriend of ten years. I'll credit half of our on/off past to the fact that he's my first love but, the other half must be recognized as well: he's a damn find chess player. Never have i played the game with the intensity that we create.
It's incredible. I lose interest very quickly with men who cannot keep the momentum going. Men who stop playing the game after the first "checkmate".
But with... let's call him Rob, there is always something new around the corner. Always a "new" move that he's dusted off or learned from somewhere. Who knows?
The tricks are never ending.
Sometimes, i'll let a pawn go to stroke the ole' ego but, have no fear that there is always something up my sleeve. I'll lure him in and then attack. It's crazy and, he does the exact same thing.
And if you think i'm crazy, if you think that i'm only speaking from a crazy female's perspective, i have proof this is not one sided. No physical proof, of course... but, i told him the other night:
"I figured out the reason that i never get tired of you or bored with you... it's because we play mental chess aaaall the time"
"You're playing checkers, bitch. I'm playing chess."
"Fuck you, it's true, isn't it?"
"Yeah, you're playing checkers."
"We play mental chess, i need you to admit it. You know it's true."
"Yeah, we do."
And take my word, he's not the kind of person to admit to something if he doesn't agree. Infact, he'll make you feel like a jackass if he opposes it completely or, ask you to explain in detail.
So, i've met my mental companion. Who believes different things entirely, who challenges me and he always keeps me on my toes waiting for the next move.
And if the game ever stops, that's when i'll worry.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Only Itilian Food I'll Eat
The evening played out really well. I bought a semi-expensive (for me) bottle of 11 year old Cabernet and headed towards the hole-in-the-wall itilian restaurant to drink a few glasses alone with Nietzsche.
I sat alone for an hour and a half in a mostly empty room with the liquid slowly depleting from the bottle and my nose deep in Genealogy of Morals.
Of the three occupied tables (me being at one of them), the table directly across from me began to pray over their food. Oh! The irony!!!
i sat confident and happily alone and for the first time ever, as i can recall, i felt no odd feeling in my chest about sitting alone. Usually, i feel a bit anxious and insecure but, i sat proudly alone and womanly in every aspect.
My manners were on their best behavior and my ego had that soft glow of genuine happiness and confidence.
A hermit by nature, eating alone is a sort of challenge. On one hand, you're alone, on the other hand, you're around people, strangers even.
But tonight, it felt nothing like that. I was happy where i was, knew i wouldn't be pestered and in a place where it was easy to filter out the noise.
Of any time i've ever ventured alone; this adventure proved to me that i'm exactly where i want to be in my life. Friendly, confident, happy and still moving forward.
I just hope everyone finds a place in themselves like that :)
I sat alone for an hour and a half in a mostly empty room with the liquid slowly depleting from the bottle and my nose deep in Genealogy of Morals.
Of the three occupied tables (me being at one of them), the table directly across from me began to pray over their food. Oh! The irony!!!
i sat confident and happily alone and for the first time ever, as i can recall, i felt no odd feeling in my chest about sitting alone. Usually, i feel a bit anxious and insecure but, i sat proudly alone and womanly in every aspect.
My manners were on their best behavior and my ego had that soft glow of genuine happiness and confidence.
A hermit by nature, eating alone is a sort of challenge. On one hand, you're alone, on the other hand, you're around people, strangers even.
But tonight, it felt nothing like that. I was happy where i was, knew i wouldn't be pestered and in a place where it was easy to filter out the noise.
Of any time i've ever ventured alone; this adventure proved to me that i'm exactly where i want to be in my life. Friendly, confident, happy and still moving forward.
I just hope everyone finds a place in themselves like that :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Observation of Natural Supidity
Okay, so here i am, blogging at Starbucks. Though it's only because i work here so i don't really qualify as a wifi hipster but, nonetheless...
The past few months, as i've come to terms with my intelligence and really embraced it and let go of my inner modesty; i've found how easy it is to really get inside of people's mind's. How you can steer them in to a reaction or cause them to fall in to certain self-inflicted pattern. It's like narrowing down a set of results for an individual and pushing them towards one. It's like being an intermediate chess player and battling a first timer. You make a move and study theirs and find patterns and yeah... you get it; you win. I don't know how not to do these things. It's not to be mean or cruel or make people feel stupid. i wear my mask well "what is profound loves masks; what is most profound even hates image and parable. Might nothing less than the opposite be the proper disguise for the shame of a god?" i act like a complete vapid idiot around my peers. Only those closest to me know how my brain truly is.
I simply do this to study. People wouldn't open up to me if they knew i analyzed everything that happened around me, if they knew i was studying everything THEY did and used them in my experiments. Everyone is a test subject.
So, here at work, it's the perfect place. Especially since there are only 10 employees at my job. It's fantastic. It's the most incredible opportunity to study and test hypothesis. Espcially when everyone here is comfortable in the environment.
One individual i work with doesn't want to listen to other people whine but will gladly let her flood gates down and employ her pity parade at the first sign opportunity. All you have to do is ask her :)
So i do and then, i'll steer the conversation into someone else whining and she's all over bashing them like white on rice for their complaining. Oh, it's just so fantastic. It's studying the way people percieve themselves. How can she actually not see that she bares the same irritating qualities as the person she's criticizing?!?!
How? Perception is what makes everything... well, everything.
Okay, if i don't stop, i'll never stop.
G'day!
The past few months, as i've come to terms with my intelligence and really embraced it and let go of my inner modesty; i've found how easy it is to really get inside of people's mind's. How you can steer them in to a reaction or cause them to fall in to certain self-inflicted pattern. It's like narrowing down a set of results for an individual and pushing them towards one. It's like being an intermediate chess player and battling a first timer. You make a move and study theirs and find patterns and yeah... you get it; you win. I don't know how not to do these things. It's not to be mean or cruel or make people feel stupid. i wear my mask well "what is profound loves masks; what is most profound even hates image and parable. Might nothing less than the opposite be the proper disguise for the shame of a god?" i act like a complete vapid idiot around my peers. Only those closest to me know how my brain truly is.
I simply do this to study. People wouldn't open up to me if they knew i analyzed everything that happened around me, if they knew i was studying everything THEY did and used them in my experiments. Everyone is a test subject.
So, here at work, it's the perfect place. Especially since there are only 10 employees at my job. It's fantastic. It's the most incredible opportunity to study and test hypothesis. Espcially when everyone here is comfortable in the environment.
One individual i work with doesn't want to listen to other people whine but will gladly let her flood gates down and employ her pity parade at the first sign opportunity. All you have to do is ask her :)
So i do and then, i'll steer the conversation into someone else whining and she's all over bashing them like white on rice for their complaining. Oh, it's just so fantastic. It's studying the way people percieve themselves. How can she actually not see that she bares the same irritating qualities as the person she's criticizing?!?!
How? Perception is what makes everything... well, everything.
Okay, if i don't stop, i'll never stop.
G'day!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
OOOOOOOOHHH DRUNKNESS
I drank by myself. Not really by myself. Talking to my boyfriend over the phone. Only, he didn't know i was drinking. Does this make the whole idea more lonely?
I drink wine. It's classy and it doesn't grant sloppiness.
Purple stained lips indicate consumption to the unknowing. How to hide... only, there is no hiding.
Where does one hide from themselves?
From the thoughts that plague them everyday? How do i ignore myself? I enjoy being inebriated. Away from my own skin and hollowed out in this foreign state of mind. It's not real. And, it's only temporary. But, what's real? Nothing is real. Everything is a color, a fragment of a "moment" in time, left to our memories to create as fact. There is no fact, only emotions, consciousness and memory.
Brain matter. There is nothing. There is now. Only now do we exist. In 5 seconds, we're gone. But what exactly is 5 seconds? To ant, it must seem more. To humans; less. To space... seconds don't even exist. So what are we doing? What are we doing every day? Why do we care? Why compassion?
What are we exactly? We're stimulated brain matter. Tissue with a conscience.
Know how to erase all things and find euhphoria? Sex and masturbation.
I drink wine. It's classy and it doesn't grant sloppiness.
Purple stained lips indicate consumption to the unknowing. How to hide... only, there is no hiding.
Where does one hide from themselves?
From the thoughts that plague them everyday? How do i ignore myself? I enjoy being inebriated. Away from my own skin and hollowed out in this foreign state of mind. It's not real. And, it's only temporary. But, what's real? Nothing is real. Everything is a color, a fragment of a "moment" in time, left to our memories to create as fact. There is no fact, only emotions, consciousness and memory.
Brain matter. There is nothing. There is now. Only now do we exist. In 5 seconds, we're gone. But what exactly is 5 seconds? To ant, it must seem more. To humans; less. To space... seconds don't even exist. So what are we doing? What are we doing every day? Why do we care? Why compassion?
What are we exactly? We're stimulated brain matter. Tissue with a conscience.
Know how to erase all things and find euhphoria? Sex and masturbation.
Monday, October 11, 2010
I found myself at work today despising myself for not being an outspoken atheiest. For not proving that we're not awful, moraless, empty creatures that roam the earth and wreak havoc.
But Neitzsche's right, the best disguise of anything is it's opposite. And my silence makes me feel, somehow, stronger. For watching, observing and listening and listening to people say awful, foolish, ignorant things about life and people and things they don't even know about. And, it scares me that this could possibly be the majority of people. These are the people that make up this country. But, the more you keep people under-educated, the more jobs you fill; the more you can lower minimum wage; the more you can swindle people in to thinking they'll succeed if they just keep trying; the more they can spend on fast food chains that cause obesity and medical problems and then give people shitty healthcare and shitty jobs and shitty houses in shitty neighborhoods.
It's all a big scam - the radius extending far beyond it's circumference.
I don't know how all of this fell into my religious/non-religious thoughts but, it all connects in my mind in a way that i could never explain lightly. It's so frustrating and cruel to feel smarter than the people around me. I hate that, i'm not better, i simply know different things. But there is no stimulating conversation happening anywhere in my immediate vicinty at almost all times. Only books written by dead men and women. Who had something to say, who did not settle for common jobs because they were not common people. There are those who do the shit work because they know no better and those who do the shit work because they understand it's a stepping stone.
And every day, i walk in to my job and listening to each of my co-workers indulge in the latest work-gossip. And what makes me sad is this, most of them will still be acting out these same patterns in 20 years from now at a different company with different problems. And while we all talk about other people by nature, good and bad, it's somehow more seedy, more lonely and pathetic to find nothing better to talk about at your job.
At 24, my life is taking a slower start than it should have. But, this inspires me and creates incredible thoughts from which to base incredible theories from and i can study myself and learn from myself and understand humankind though things i do. And because i feel that way, that this is all temporary, i know i won't be stuck in this pattern 20 years from now.
There is no end in sight for this rant so i'll just curl back in to my silence.
But Neitzsche's right, the best disguise of anything is it's opposite. And my silence makes me feel, somehow, stronger. For watching, observing and listening and listening to people say awful, foolish, ignorant things about life and people and things they don't even know about. And, it scares me that this could possibly be the majority of people. These are the people that make up this country. But, the more you keep people under-educated, the more jobs you fill; the more you can lower minimum wage; the more you can swindle people in to thinking they'll succeed if they just keep trying; the more they can spend on fast food chains that cause obesity and medical problems and then give people shitty healthcare and shitty jobs and shitty houses in shitty neighborhoods.
It's all a big scam - the radius extending far beyond it's circumference.
I don't know how all of this fell into my religious/non-religious thoughts but, it all connects in my mind in a way that i could never explain lightly. It's so frustrating and cruel to feel smarter than the people around me. I hate that, i'm not better, i simply know different things. But there is no stimulating conversation happening anywhere in my immediate vicinty at almost all times. Only books written by dead men and women. Who had something to say, who did not settle for common jobs because they were not common people. There are those who do the shit work because they know no better and those who do the shit work because they understand it's a stepping stone.
And every day, i walk in to my job and listening to each of my co-workers indulge in the latest work-gossip. And what makes me sad is this, most of them will still be acting out these same patterns in 20 years from now at a different company with different problems. And while we all talk about other people by nature, good and bad, it's somehow more seedy, more lonely and pathetic to find nothing better to talk about at your job.
At 24, my life is taking a slower start than it should have. But, this inspires me and creates incredible thoughts from which to base incredible theories from and i can study myself and learn from myself and understand humankind though things i do. And because i feel that way, that this is all temporary, i know i won't be stuck in this pattern 20 years from now.
There is no end in sight for this rant so i'll just curl back in to my silence.
Wednesday, October 06, 2010
dead computer = posts via email
My thoughts have ruled supreme the past few days. im used to letting them run wild but, recently theyve left me in a place that really has no solid escape. there are no answers for my questions. there are no answers to anything in this life. and while this may seem full of disdain and misery, its truly not. its just one of those things ive accepted and coexist plesantly with. and usually, its my fire to do sporadic things. for, nothing we do truly matters. layed out upon centuries of existence, were already forgotten.
pressed by gravity and matter and conscious actions - were simply here. nothing more. existing now. not then or even in the future. were just colors and vibrations of utter nothingness; a glitch. in that thought, there is beauty: to feel things to depths beyond explanation.
were simply the patterns of the universe confined to here. and well never know.
you can hide behind religion and build a belief system around noble ideas and human decency but, death leaves only an imprint. and like a burned out star - well exist only in a light less vibrant and nonexistent in actuality.
are we really here? not some physical projection of some unknown energetic source? i dont believe in some master creator or purpose but it doesnt mean the questions dont still arise from time to time. but like all others of all religions and beliefs, i ask "why?"
why do we suffer, why are we happy? why? why? why? why cant we know?
i want more than this.
My thoughts have ruled supreme the past few days. im used to letting them run wild but, recently theyve left me in a place that really has no solid escape. there are no answers for my questions. there are no answers to anything in this life. and while this may seem full of disdain and misery, its truly not. its just one of those things ive accepted and coexist plesantly with. and usually, its my fire to do sporadic things. for, nothing we do truly matters. layed out upon centuries of existence, were already forgotten.
pressed by gravity and matter and conscious actions - were simply here. nothing more. existing now. not then or even in the future. were just colors and vibrations of utter nothingness; a glitch. in that thought, there is beauty: to feel things to depths beyond explanation.
were simply the patterns of the universe confined to here. and well never know.
you can hide behind religion and build a belief system around noble ideas and human decency but, death leaves only an imprint. and like a burned out star - well exist only in a light less vibrant and nonexistent in actuality.
are we really here? not some physical projection of some unknown energetic source? i dont believe in some master creator or purpose but it doesnt mean the questions dont still arise from time to time. but like all others of all religions and beliefs, i ask "why?"
why do we suffer, why are we happy? why? why? why? why cant we know?
i want more than this.
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