the truth of MY life

The past two weeks of my life have been more than a milestone of growth.
All the fears that rested in my belly suddenly disappeared and things i never saw in myself suddenly became very apparent.
Things i'm capabale of; things i can change; things i've always been in control of but never saw the courage in myself to take advantage of. If there were only enough words and time to explain the recent happenings in my life without boring anyone to death, i'd surely be writing them all over the page.
In a mind-fuck of mind-twirling drugs that all great writers (though i dare not deem myself one) seem to have experienced, i wrote things in my journal i never knew myself able to write. i wrote poetry and beautifully sad words that writing, i remember not.

As such:

To feel so much
There is no better thought to humble-
The turmoil of it's darkest hour.

and then went to write ramblings that bear something deeper than the silly words.
to me, these words are everything.
To others, a mere moment of childish behavior weaved into silly words and immaturity and sinfullness.
But i care not.

In life
I've seen there to be-
the beauty and it's villian
A jarring image?
Reconsider
The possibility of deep emotions
For to feel so deeply
In space - in life
In question of our existence
That we; mere vessels
Of an unintended invention
There is no villian-
Only the glorious happenings of the nature of consciousness
We are ALIVE

These words live inside of my head without ever breathing air. Only the "oxygen" between the miles and miles of cyber space.
So here i belong, amongst my words and amongst my beauty.
That one day, all will see. But not today and not tomorrow. But one day. While i'm still breathing pure oxygen.

♪♫♪♫

there is nothing greater than music. at the very core of everything beautiful in my life, there is music.
my belly is full of butterflies.

"that dress does absolutely no justice to your curves"

I have a best, best friend and to think of never knowing her sinks my stomach equivilant to Titanic proportions. The one person who knows EVERY dirty secret and everything about me, who knows who i am just as i do and who picks me up even when i make the stupidest decisions. She is brutally honest and she truly loves me back.
I love her as i love my family (even they consider her family), unconditionally and free of any prejudice or judgement. I call her Peanut Butter because she is my Plan B if i take the path of a single life. It doesn't leave much up to the imagination to guess my nickname to counter hers.
We made a pact to die old together. I can't believe i have a friend to spend my life with. I couldn't get by without her, not after 10 years with her fighting on my team, right or wrong in the battle.
I can't express a bigger love for her because it's not possible to explain how much she has meant to me throughout our friendship. I've been very fortunate to have wonderful friends but, she shines above them all.
i don't know why i feel so much love for her right now, she's just been so good for me the past few months and i for her.
i have no shame in my cheesy ramblings of appreciation and seemingly border-lining homosexuality. My life would be lonely without her and i'd have no one to tell me i looked fat in that dress.
She's music to me in the physical form and i love her more than any words could ever justify. :) ♥

the search is over!

Some internal shift has taken place and it's a good, steady pace to the chaotic circles i've been moving in. It occured to me... well sometime after watching Harold and Maude last week. I was driving home, almost in tears at my lack of social abilities and the fact that i always get that confused, "what the fuck... you're a strange one" look that i so often get. And suddenly it occured to me. The real reason i want to move to Arizona and then to California with Matt, the true, underlining beat of the entire decision. It's for me, for love too and for the hope of a wonderful life with the person i truly, truly care about but, for me, for the better of my mental health. For the dreams that i know will eventually become reality for me. I will be a writer and i will be happy and i will grow fully in to the person i slowly see myself becoming.
I saw what distanced me from other people and it's not that i'm strange, sure, i'm a bit odd but in a natural, unique way. Not in a creepy, sleep-with-your-door-locked-when-i-stay-over type of way.
The thing is, i'm truly passionate about my opinions and i know why i feel what i feel and why i say what i say. Everything i say and do is critiqued by the thoughts that plague me in hours of deep observation of the going-abouts of my life and those around me. i have perfected the person i want to be and i grow in to that person more every day.
I know who i am and what i believe in, there is no doubt about the things i feel, the things i think or the things i know are real.
I am a person who is fully developed in the field of self-knowledge. i get confused sometimes but, only during periods of transition. From mile stone to mile stone.
So i am moving, there is no question but for once i know what it's really for and Matt is the perk. Because if i wasn't moving for him, it'd be me moving somewhere else. I don't belong where i'm at and no disrespect to my peers or family but, i have a bigger life inside of me that doesn't belong here with theirs and until they find that page in their lives, i'll always be odd.
And in that, i will never be lonely again, not within myself.
i guess it comes down to the fact that i'm not afraid anymore because i know how hard i'll work to succeed in the things that bring me happiness and i'll pull through all the bullshit with my head up. i'm not afraid of being alone forever anymore because i have a big, big heart and a big, big love in it and each day i grow more and more in to that person that i see.
I have finally found the gap between myself and those that make me feel like my oddness is to be looked down at and i'm not better than anyone but they're not better than me either. i will never be insecure about who i am again.
i'm a "Maude" because i always have been :)

there could be no better atticus finch than gregory peck

Downloaded To Kill A Mockingbird for my iPod. My favorite book ever and one of my favorite movies ever. Atticus Finch still remains my favorite character ever.
Not a big movie watcher, it's a big deal for me to get excited about movies.
so here i am, a 70 year old trapped in a 24 yr olds body.
One of my tattoos is even a tribute to "To Kill a Mockingbird."
good lord, i'm such a huge nerd... quite shamelessly.

life is too short to cry over stolen iPods

sooo i either lost my iPod or it was stolen. i didn't freak out like i thought i would, i guess because i was able to buy a new one... and did... shamelessly. Even though i have a roof over my head out of family kindness. In my own defense; music is my glue and without it, i'd be toast. Literally, it's up there with food and water. Plus, i bought one at a pawn shop so i don't feel so bad. 160GB for $60 :)
The only thing i'm truly upset about is the fact that it was a gift from muh boyfriend and it weighed heavily in sentimental value.
But, out of a recent debacle, blinded by sheer anger; i deleted the video of his nice words and "i love you more than anything" reminder and blah, blah as a way to move past things that i felt were holding me back in my personal pursuits.
So, the fact that it was a choice to be one less of the video and that i'll never have to face the embarassement of ever being caught with the video; it seems the fact that i lost my iPod (or had it stolen) isn't as servere as it could be.
I can't really recall a time i ever lost my shit over my shit luck. i guess because i'm used to it after 24 years.
My car: broken in to 3 times, stereo stolen each time - didn't freak out, laughed.
When my truck died in the library book drop drive through - laughed at the hilarious death spot and used the book drop as an air vent in the schorching heat.
It just seems that nothing is ever really worth being so upset over. Not when it's replaceable and generally, humor can be found in any situation, you just have to look for it sometimes.
There's nothing that's irreplaceable except for us. We're the only thing that can't be replaced and i've never lost sight of that. I don't know where this calmness comes from but it makes my life so easy and sunny and as long as i have my friends and family and my boyfriend (even when he's being a doucher), i'm happy.
But what makes me most happiest is that i'm me and i wouldn't ever want to be anybody else, ever. :)
End of story.

oh, and a major p.s.!!!
i put harold and maude on my "new" ipod, life is suuuuperb!!!!

my most favorite thing ever

Watching Harold and Maude again, called all the local video stores to see if they sold it... NO WHERE! Closest store with available stock is 45 minutes away.
time for some online shoppen'
my head was full of things to write. then suddenly...

are you souless?

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

If you watch this and it doesn't spark something inside of you, it's safe to assume you have no soul.
(that there sentence is a link)

the mind of a child

Things seem to be falling in to place, most finally.
One of my sarcastically superstitious bff's bought me this great "worry doll" (with great psychological powers!) to sleep with under my pillow.
Woke up feeling fantastic the 2 days i slept with it under my pillow.


I also found these great snacks at work that i loooove and make me feel happeh!


Who wouldn't think this was awesome!?




Um because, it totally is!

Aaaaand, yah. Even though i vowed i'd mention it no more, i have to say, things are improving a bit with the boyfriend and although i'm still a bit skeptical of the sincerity, it feels good and balances my shit-fucked emotions.
That's all. :)

a buncha words

7:40 am and i'm already running behind. But, there is always time to write.
Closing at work last night was brutal as i slowly realized that though i love my boss, he is completely retarded and has no idea what he's doing even though his intentions are good.
So, today is 8-1:30 babysitting and then 2-10:30 close at work.
I've been working my ass off trying to save money and move but... so many setbacks.
And, the family is still in denial of me leaving; like hope stew.
Okay, well, time to wipe the ugly off my face and you know, do it.

no bad sushi in these parts!

Another shift at 4:30 today.
Noooooo thanks.
I hate that i have that mid-twenties snobbery towards working with teenagers but, seriously, it's a drag. I have nothing against them personally but, their work ethic makes me want to smash nails underneath my fingernails.
Ah well, i guess we were all there once.
However! I did have the most amazing sushi today for lunch! My favoriate from HUI CHUAN SUSHI where they have the most amazing ever sushi called "Cowgirl Roll" (fuck you all, it's Texas) with mango and avacado and crab and this awesome spicy mango sauce that makes your lips burn.
Omg, it's so good you don't even want to eat anything after you eat it because the aftertaste is so good.
Now this picture doesn't really do much justice but it's so damn delicious:

Yum.
Okay, that's all. Feeling sad? Eat some sushi!
S'right!

a step forward in my two steps back repetition

Not a shabby weekend. One of those clairvoyant weekends that creates an exciting feeling in your tummy.
That reminds you that your life is about you, and you can make it whatever you want with the shambles of whatever happens. A very nice feeling to have after the little depression spell i've been relentlessly digging my way through.
That is the one thing i've always prided myself on, the fact that i've never given in to my depression and just let it sail; i've always fought it. Looooong and hard but, always fighting.
Plus, there's music which ALWAYS, ALWAYS helps. Happiness!
Ah, what would i do without?
I can think of nothing that has ever been more kind to me.