Some internal shift has taken place and it's a good, steady pace to the chaotic circles i've been moving in. It occured to me... well sometime after watching Harold and Maude last week. I was driving home, almost in tears at my lack of social abilities and the fact that i always get that confused, "what the fuck... you're a strange one" look that i so often get. And suddenly it occured to me. The real reason i want to move to Arizona and then to California with Matt, the true, underlining beat of the entire decision. It's for me, for love too and for the hope of a wonderful life with the person i truly, truly care about but, for me, for the better of my mental health. For the dreams that i know will eventually become reality for me. I will be a writer and i will be happy and i will grow fully in to the person i slowly see myself becoming.
I saw what distanced me from other people and it's not that i'm strange, sure, i'm a bit odd but in a natural, unique way. Not in a creepy, sleep-with-your-door-locked-when-i-stay-over type of way.
The thing is, i'm truly passionate about my opinions and i know why i feel what i feel and why i say what i say. Everything i say and do is critiqued by the thoughts that plague me in hours of deep observation of the going-abouts of my life and those around me. i have perfected the person i want to be and i grow in to that person more every day.
I know who i am and what i believe in, there is no doubt about the things i feel, the things i think or the things i know are real.
I am a person who is fully developed in the field of self-knowledge. i get confused sometimes but, only during periods of transition. From mile stone to mile stone.
So i am moving, there is no question but for once i know what it's really for and Matt is the perk. Because if i wasn't moving for him, it'd be me moving somewhere else. I don't belong where i'm at and no disrespect to my peers or family but, i have a bigger life inside of me that doesn't belong here with theirs and until they find that page in their lives, i'll always be odd.
And in that, i will never be lonely again, not within myself.
i guess it comes down to the fact that i'm not afraid anymore because i know how hard i'll work to succeed in the things that bring me happiness and i'll pull through all the bullshit with my head up. i'm not afraid of being alone forever anymore because i have a big, big heart and a big, big love in it and each day i grow more and more in to that person that i see.
I have finally found the gap between myself and those that make me feel like my oddness is to be looked down at and i'm not better than anyone but they're not better than me either. i will never be insecure about who i am again.
i'm a "Maude" because i always have been :)
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