It seems to me, that i merely shift my good qualities in my friendships and relationships. I cannot explain this in the manner i wish to but, it's more something like this; if one is making me happy, the other is making me miserable. What logical explanation is there to that? What kind of psychological hoo-hah is that?
I'd like to blame it on my bestfriend's new-found pessimism but, maybe I'M the one who's changed. The past month has brought with it alot of new ground for me though still a bit wobbly, it's sturdy enough to build something on. Maybe i won't stay here or, maybe i will but, is that any reason to feel so much animosity towards a person i love and adore and who's friendship i cherish? Is this my female wretchedness of two-faced? i don't consider myself to be two-faced but, it seems that by definition and not standards of my own, i am two-faced.
but, i wouldn't say something behind someone's back that i would say to their face... i think my unecessary defense against my own accusations is enough of an asnwer...
so, what needs to shift inside of me? what needs to change so that i can wash myself clean of this bitterness. i don't like it! i try to fight it but.... well....
nothing. i have nothing. no excuse. i must simply try harder.
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