I found myself at work today despising myself for not being an outspoken atheiest. For not proving that we're not awful, moraless, empty creatures that roam the earth and wreak havoc.
But Neitzsche's right, the best disguise of anything is it's opposite. And my silence makes me feel, somehow, stronger. For watching, observing and listening and listening to people say awful, foolish, ignorant things about life and people and things they don't even know about. And, it scares me that this could possibly be the majority of people. These are the people that make up this country. But, the more you keep people under-educated, the more jobs you fill; the more you can lower minimum wage; the more you can swindle people in to thinking they'll succeed if they just keep trying; the more they can spend on fast food chains that cause obesity and medical problems and then give people shitty healthcare and shitty jobs and shitty houses in shitty neighborhoods.
It's all a big scam - the radius extending far beyond it's circumference.
I don't know how all of this fell into my religious/non-religious thoughts but, it all connects in my mind in a way that i could never explain lightly. It's so frustrating and cruel to feel smarter than the people around me. I hate that, i'm not better, i simply know different things. But there is no stimulating conversation happening anywhere in my immediate vicinty at almost all times. Only books written by dead men and women. Who had something to say, who did not settle for common jobs because they were not common people. There are those who do the shit work because they know no better and those who do the shit work because they understand it's a stepping stone.
And every day, i walk in to my job and listening to each of my co-workers indulge in the latest work-gossip. And what makes me sad is this, most of them will still be acting out these same patterns in 20 years from now at a different company with different problems. And while we all talk about other people by nature, good and bad, it's somehow more seedy, more lonely and pathetic to find nothing better to talk about at your job.
At 24, my life is taking a slower start than it should have. But, this inspires me and creates incredible thoughts from which to base incredible theories from and i can study myself and learn from myself and understand humankind though things i do. And because i feel that way, that this is all temporary, i know i won't be stuck in this pattern 20 years from now.
There is no end in sight for this rant so i'll just curl back in to my silence.