An avid supporter of "cruising around", i am never without my beloved ipod. Any missed turn, any "long-cut" is like a fresh blanket out of the dryer in the middle of a blizzard. Stress i've known has always been alleviated by a long, aimless drive. I suppose this derives from spending most of my teenage years being grounded and having my family errands as my only form of freedom. At which point i'd take the longest route possible to and from my destination.
The only unsettling feeling is the pitch black sensation that sinks in my stomach and spreads out inside of me when i turn around and head back home.
Today's drive took me past mountains that hugged the road and seemed to curve out endlessly across the lip of the sky. The litter of outlet malls and fast-food chains filtered out as cacti and sandy hills began to trickle in. Not to be compared to the big luscious, earthy hills of Texas flooded with trees and wild flowers but, a beauty in it's own right. My longing for Texas has subsided a bit but I can still feel part of myself not completely here.
This is why people never move to places far away from home where they know no one. But, regardless of my outer demeanor, I am still fighting against everything i feel growing brown and neutral inside of me. The numbing sensation of the days bleeding out in to one another is somewhat kind but they bring with them a slight pessimism. It has not yet overshadowed the optimistic glow of who i know i am but, unless i keep wearing myself out against the daily battles - it will drown me.
I was not raised to give up on myself and i have not forgotten those values. But, when does it get easier and what am i not throwing enough effort at?
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