"Wouldn't mama be proud?"

In a recent boost of maturity, i've decided it's time for me to stop being childish about my paranoia and conspiracy theorist tendencies and start reading the paper and learning what's going on in the world again. A week and a half in to my new-found maturity, i've found that my passion towards people is amplified and opinionated. As a result, last night i sat in my closet/office/art room and cried while i read about how shitty the world can be. But, also in doing so, i realized that my desire to be a journalist is incredibly strong and i'm open-minded enough to do the job well. Regardless of how i'm viewed here, in my personal blog, the me that lives inside of my head is much more mature and observant. The way i'm affected by things and the opinions they create for both sides, i'd make a damn fine journalist and i know this. Not in an arrogant sort of way but in a way that creates ambition and willpower.
I know this is boring and i apologize but, sometimes it just needs to be said.

Diamond Blogs

Soooo, i finally found one of the David Bowie biographies i was looking for.



Soooo, i kind of set the Janis Joplin book aside to collect dust while i read about my number one sexy man.
I feel something strange happening inside of me. Does this happen to everyone who really dives in to the depths of David Bowie? All i wanna do is drown in the lyrical warmth of David Bowie. I wanna read page after page of his life and twirl around in our similarities until i feel like we're cosmically connected (our birthday is one day apart... see, i'm a creeper). Diamond Dogs has become a new favorite on my ipod and Big Brother and Rock N' Roll With Me get rewound every time they come 'round.
I think i'm going in to some type of hazy spendor of strangeness and beauty and art and music and performing. It's a very crazy world to find yourself yet, it's so easy to understand. But see, that's the magic of David Bowie, the ability to make your contradictions seem parallel. Oh madness!

One of Those Many Shamelessly Bad Qualities of Mine

Purchased a Janis Joplin biography (Scars of a Sweet Paradise) by Alice Echols. Ummm, i don't really know how i'm supposed to feel. I don't know if my snobbery comes from mostly reading philosophy and psychology books or for having high expectations for Janis Joplin. But, the book is not doing it for me. An avid reader; 9 times out of 10, the first 3-10 pages will tell me if i'm going to like the book or not. I even made sure i read about the author so as not to be disappointed.
"[She] is a historian and cultural critic. She has taught at UCLA, USC, and Occidental College and has written for The Nation, The Village Voice and L.A. Weekly..."
With those kind of credentials, who wouldn't want to read what she has to say???
She criticizes Jerry Garcia within the first 2 pages of the Introduction and I feel like I'm reading a welcoming author to chapter books 4 pages in to the first chapter. I'm not saying i can't give this book a fair chance and i'm sure her facts are correct and in order but, even though i'm reading it for the facts and the history of this amazing woman, the way it's written has ALOT to do with that.
I'll let you know how this one turns out.....

It is a Magic Dance

I've always had a strange obsession with David Bowie and his spandex wearing self. But... i don't know... recently, it's gotten worse. I know this offically makes me kind of a creeper but, i can't watch this video without feeling that plunge to my girl parts.



I'd be his Goblin Queen.
Sigh. Gimme.

Ole Body Ole Pal (A Diet for the Anyone)

So the diet i was trying to stick to is in shambles. However, using my attained knowledge from workout freaks and health nuts, i have created my own, personal regimen and, so far, it has worked. Instead of limiting myself to things i can eat and constant carb and calorie counting (oh you people), i eat what my body craves. I cut fast food and soda's out a long time ago so, what my body craves is generally vitamins that i don't get enough of. It's a genius diet!
I told my recovered-carb-counting-addict best friend about my diet as she's one of the ones that kind of gave me the idea for it and she explained this: Your body craves what it needs and if you don't nourish it with what it's craving, it will retain what it already has and could actually cause you to gain weight.
So if you're randomly in the mood for some pigs in a blanket from the local greasy spoon, it's okay to go for it. If you're craving a big ceaser salad, eat it. If you're craving a croissant sandwich, go for it too.
In this past week and a half, sticking to this diet where i eat one big meal in the morning and snack throughout the day and sometimes eat a meal at night if i'm hungry, it's worked. I've lost 9 lbs in a healthy way, not in that forceful strict diet kind of way. But i also don't overindulge and stuff my face when i snack... that's kind of important. And, i don't crave complete crap food, that's also kind of important.
AND, I've started walking for an hour at night which has helped with my circulation and with maintaining a clear mind and healthy energy. I'm not one to write about these kind of things so, i apologize but, i know this is diet country and i just thought a person with a simple diet that doesn't require any major conditioning from your body - i figured it might be helpful to some.

oh, and i totally forgot to mention this little gem...

I've decided one of these fabled books i talk about writing will be called, "Shut the Hell Up" and will be targeted to those breakroom-drama people at work. Also, the friends that call to see how you're doing so you'll ask how they're doing... we all know where that leads. And also to those people that you meet at bars or in random places, you know who i'm talking about. Really, to all the self-centered pricks who think they're the only ones with family issues and relationship turmoil. oh yes, they will soon be silenced. Well, maybe, if i ever get around to writing it.

What Do I Get?

Between David Bowie (see my blog Musical Cereal), Nietzsche, drinking with my mom's bestfriend and a new-found devotion to the new spaper in general; i think i'm either going crazy or having the best coming-of-age experience ever for someone my age. I'd kind of like to believe i'm going crazy, that way, i won't seek damage control and i'll just keep going. Because honestly, i'd really like to have something better to write about than my intense disapproval of society as a whole. The funny thing is, last night, i partied it up with people i have not much in common with, people who don't strive for knowledge or to better themselves; people who have simply accepted themselves and built from their mistakes. To put it simply: they strive for happiness.
Even stranger, i didn't feel that gap i usually feel between myself and others. I wasn't studying them or watching their every move, analyzing everything and making mental logs of social patterns. It was a nice break to actually be social and not awkward. Perhaps it was because they're not insecure and needy, or because they don't cry about their problems. Or perhaps because they were all men instead of whiny women.
And in other mediocre news of yours truly, I found Craig Wilson who is a great columnist for Usa Today and who's sarcasm and wit for such a popular newspaper comforts me in my dream of being a music columnist. It was like finding the needle in the haystack. J'aime adore!

the many faces of love and david bowie

Happiness comes in the form of David Bowie albums. Everything else comes in the form of listening to them. sigh!

eatin' grapes

I can't seem to shake this strange feeling growing from my bones. I find myself in utter seclusion bonding with Nietzsche and shunning everyone else. As arrogant as this may sound, i need someone who actually understands me, who "confirms" my questions of society, philosophy and psychology. Not that i don't have anyone in my life like that but, they're not always around and not always so willing to hash it out with me.
Nietzsche, he "understands" things in my head that i can't even seem to verbalize. I love him in ways i'll never love a living human being and because of that, i don't feel guilty for hiding away with him and shutting everyone else out. But, the part of me that functions in my generation nags at the idiosyncrasy - social akwardness. Le sigh.

terrible findings

It seems to me, that i merely shift my good qualities in my friendships and relationships. I cannot explain this in the manner i wish to but, it's more something like this; if one is making me happy, the other is making me miserable. What logical explanation is there to that? What kind of psychological hoo-hah is that?
I'd like to blame it on my bestfriend's new-found pessimism but, maybe I'M the one who's changed. The past month has brought with it alot of new ground for me though still a bit wobbly, it's sturdy enough to build something on. Maybe i won't stay here or, maybe i will but, is that any reason to feel so much animosity towards a person i love and adore and who's friendship i cherish? Is this my female wretchedness of two-faced? i don't consider myself to be two-faced but, it seems that by definition and not standards of my own, i am two-faced.
but, i wouldn't say something behind someone's back that i would say to their face... i think my unecessary defense against my own accusations is enough of an asnwer...
so, what needs to shift inside of me? what needs to change so that i can wash myself clean of this bitterness. i don't like it! i try to fight it but.... well....
nothing. i have nothing. no excuse. i must simply try harder.