Friday, October 15, 2010

"The Game" isn't as bad as you think

Men and women play chess. All lasting relationships maintain a certain momentum because of this. It's a stadegy obtained through failed relationships: you learn to move your pieces to different spaces from the consequences of previous games.
You must first stake your territory and play from there; gaining and losing ground along the way. I've found no other opponent that plays the game as well as my on-and-off boyfriend of ten years. I'll credit half of our on/off past to the fact that he's my first love but, the other half must be recognized as well: he's a damn find chess player. Never have i played the game with the intensity that we create.
It's incredible. I lose interest very quickly with men who cannot keep the momentum going. Men who stop playing the game after the first "checkmate".
But with... let's call him Rob, there is always something new around the corner. Always a "new" move that he's dusted off or learned from somewhere. Who knows?
The tricks are never ending.
Sometimes, i'll let a pawn go to stroke the ole' ego but, have no fear that there is always something up my sleeve. I'll lure him in and then attack. It's crazy and, he does the exact same thing.
And if you think i'm crazy, if you think that i'm only speaking from a crazy female's perspective, i have proof this is not one sided. No physical proof, of course... but, i told him the other night:

"I figured out the reason that i never get tired of you or bored with you... it's because we play mental chess aaaall the time"

"You're playing checkers, bitch. I'm playing chess."

"Fuck you, it's true, isn't it?"

"Yeah, you're playing checkers."

"We play mental chess, i need you to admit it. You know it's true."

"Yeah, we do."

And take my word, he's not the kind of person to admit to something if he doesn't agree. Infact, he'll make you feel like a jackass if he opposes it completely or, ask you to explain in detail.
So, i've met my mental companion. Who believes different things entirely, who challenges me and he always keeps me on my toes waiting for the next move.
And if the game ever stops, that's when i'll worry.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

The Only Itilian Food I'll Eat

The evening played out really well. I bought a semi-expensive (for me) bottle of 11 year old Cabernet and headed towards the hole-in-the-wall itilian restaurant to drink a few glasses alone with Nietzsche.
I sat alone for an hour and a half in a mostly empty room with the liquid slowly depleting from the bottle and my nose deep in Genealogy of Morals.
Of the three occupied tables (me being at one of them), the table directly across from me began to pray over their food. Oh! The irony!!!
i sat confident and happily alone and for the first time ever, as i can recall, i felt no odd feeling in my chest about sitting alone. Usually, i feel a bit anxious and insecure but, i sat proudly alone and womanly in every aspect.
My manners were on their best behavior and my ego had that soft glow of genuine happiness and confidence.
A hermit by nature, eating alone is a sort of challenge. On one hand, you're alone, on the other hand, you're around people, strangers even.
But tonight, it felt nothing like that. I was happy where i was, knew i wouldn't be pestered and in a place where it was easy to filter out the noise.
Of any time i've ever ventured alone; this adventure proved to me that i'm exactly where i want to be in my life. Friendly, confident, happy and still moving forward.
I just hope everyone finds a place in themselves like that :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Observation of Natural Supidity

Okay, so here i am, blogging at Starbucks. Though it's only because i work here so i don't really qualify as a wifi hipster but, nonetheless...
The past few months, as i've come to terms with my intelligence and really embraced it and let go of my inner modesty; i've found how easy it is to really get inside of people's mind's. How you can steer them in to a reaction or cause them to fall in to certain self-inflicted pattern. It's like narrowing down a set of results for an individual and pushing them towards one. It's like being an intermediate chess player and battling a first timer. You make a move and study theirs and find patterns and yeah... you get it; you win. I don't know how not to do these things. It's not to be mean or cruel or make people feel stupid. i wear my mask well "what is profound loves masks; what is most profound even hates image and parable. Might nothing less than the opposite be the proper disguise for the shame of a god?" i act like a complete vapid idiot around my peers. Only those closest to me know how my brain truly is.
I simply do this to study. People wouldn't open up to me if they knew i analyzed everything that happened around me, if they knew i was studying everything THEY did and used them in my experiments. Everyone is a test subject.
So, here at work, it's the perfect place. Especially since there are only 10 employees at my job. It's fantastic. It's the most incredible opportunity to study and test hypothesis. Espcially when everyone here is comfortable in the environment.
One individual i work with doesn't want to listen to other people whine but will gladly let her flood gates down and employ her pity parade at the first sign opportunity. All you have to do is ask her :)
So i do and then, i'll steer the conversation into someone else whining and she's all over bashing them like white on rice for their complaining. Oh, it's just so fantastic. It's studying the way people percieve themselves. How can she actually not see that she bares the same irritating qualities as the person she's criticizing?!?!
How? Perception is what makes everything... well, everything.
Okay, if i don't stop, i'll never stop.
G'day!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

OOOOOOOOHHH DRUNKNESS

I drank by myself. Not really by myself. Talking to my boyfriend over the phone. Only, he didn't know i was drinking. Does this make the whole idea more lonely?
I drink wine. It's classy and it doesn't grant sloppiness.
Purple stained lips indicate consumption to the unknowing. How to hide... only, there is no hiding.
Where does one hide from themselves?
From the thoughts that plague them everyday? How do i ignore myself? I enjoy being inebriated. Away from my own skin and hollowed out in this foreign state of mind. It's not real. And, it's only temporary. But, what's real? Nothing is real. Everything is a color, a fragment of a "moment" in time, left to our memories to create as fact. There is no fact, only emotions, consciousness and memory.
Brain matter. There is nothing. There is now. Only now do we exist. In 5 seconds, we're gone. But what exactly is 5 seconds? To ant, it must seem more. To humans; less. To space... seconds don't even exist. So what are we doing? What are we doing every day? Why do we care? Why compassion?
What are we exactly? We're stimulated brain matter. Tissue with a conscience.
Know how to erase all things and find euhphoria? Sex and masturbation.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I found myself at work today despising myself for not being an outspoken atheiest. For not proving that we're not awful, moraless, empty creatures that roam the earth and wreak havoc.
But Neitzsche's right, the best disguise of anything is it's opposite. And my silence makes me feel, somehow, stronger. For watching, observing and listening and listening to people say awful, foolish, ignorant things about life and people and things they don't even know about. And, it scares me that this could possibly be the majority of people. These are the people that make up this country. But, the more you keep people under-educated, the more jobs you fill; the more you can lower minimum wage; the more you can swindle people in to thinking they'll succeed if they just keep trying; the more they can spend on fast food chains that cause obesity and medical problems and then give people shitty healthcare and shitty jobs and shitty houses in shitty neighborhoods.
It's all a big scam - the radius extending far beyond it's circumference.
I don't know how all of this fell into my religious/non-religious thoughts but, it all connects in my mind in a way that i could never explain lightly. It's so frustrating and cruel to feel smarter than the people around me. I hate that, i'm not better, i simply know different things. But there is no stimulating conversation happening anywhere in my immediate vicinty at almost all times. Only books written by dead men and women. Who had something to say, who did not settle for common jobs because they were not common people. There are those who do the shit work because they know no better and those who do the shit work because they understand it's a stepping stone.
And every day, i walk in to my job and listening to each of my co-workers indulge in the latest work-gossip. And what makes me sad is this, most of them will still be acting out these same patterns in 20 years from now at a different company with different problems. And while we all talk about other people by nature, good and bad, it's somehow more seedy, more lonely and pathetic to find nothing better to talk about at your job.
At 24, my life is taking a slower start than it should have. But, this inspires me and creates incredible thoughts from which to base incredible theories from and i can study myself and learn from myself and understand humankind though things i do. And because i feel that way, that this is all temporary, i know i won't be stuck in this pattern 20 years from now.
There is no end in sight for this rant so i'll just curl back in to my silence.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

dead computer = posts via email
My thoughts have ruled supreme the past few days. im used to letting them run wild but, recently theyve left me in a place that really has no solid escape. there are no answers for my questions. there are no answers to anything in this life. and while this may seem full of disdain and misery, its truly not. its just one of those things ive accepted and coexist plesantly with. and usually, its my fire to do sporadic things. for, nothing we do truly matters. layed out upon centuries of existence, were already forgotten.
pressed by gravity and matter and conscious actions - were simply here. nothing more. existing now. not then or even in the future. were just colors and vibrations of utter nothingness; a glitch. in that thought, there is beauty: to feel things to depths beyond explanation.
were simply the patterns of the universe confined to here. and well never know.
you can hide behind religion and build a belief system around noble ideas and human decency but, death leaves only an imprint. and like a burned out star - well exist only in a light less vibrant and nonexistent in actuality.
are we really here? not some physical projection of some unknown energetic source? i dont believe in some master creator or purpose but it doesnt mean the questions dont still arise from time to time. but like all others of all religions and beliefs, i ask "why?"
why do we suffer, why are we happy? why? why? why? why cant we know?
i want more than this.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

"Wouldn't mama be proud?"

In a recent boost of maturity, i've decided it's time for me to stop being childish about my paranoia and conspiracy theorist tendencies and start reading the paper and learning what's going on in the world again. A week and a half in to my new-found maturity, i've found that my passion towards people is amplified and opinionated. As a result, last night i sat in my closet/office/art room and cried while i read about how shitty the world can be. But, also in doing so, i realized that my desire to be a journalist is incredibly strong and i'm open-minded enough to do the job well. Regardless of how i'm viewed here, in my personal blog, the me that lives inside of my head is much more mature and observant. The way i'm affected by things and the opinions they create for both sides, i'd make a damn fine journalist and i know this. Not in an arrogant sort of way but in a way that creates ambition and willpower.
I know this is boring and i apologize but, sometimes it just needs to be said.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Diamond Blogs

Soooo, i finally found one of the David Bowie biographies i was looking for.



Soooo, i kind of set the Janis Joplin book aside to collect dust while i read about my number one sexy man.
I feel something strange happening inside of me. Does this happen to everyone who really dives in to the depths of David Bowie? All i wanna do is drown in the lyrical warmth of David Bowie. I wanna read page after page of his life and twirl around in our similarities until i feel like we're cosmically connected (our birthday is one day apart... see, i'm a creeper). Diamond Dogs has become a new favorite on my ipod and Big Brother and Rock N' Roll With Me get rewound every time they come 'round.
I think i'm going in to some type of hazy spendor of strangeness and beauty and art and music and performing. It's a very crazy world to find yourself yet, it's so easy to understand. But see, that's the magic of David Bowie, the ability to make your contradictions seem parallel. Oh madness!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

One of Those Many Shamelessly Bad Qualities of Mine

Purchased a Janis Joplin biography (Scars of a Sweet Paradise) by Alice Echols. Ummm, i don't really know how i'm supposed to feel. I don't know if my snobbery comes from mostly reading philosophy and psychology books or for having high expectations for Janis Joplin. But, the book is not doing it for me. An avid reader; 9 times out of 10, the first 3-10 pages will tell me if i'm going to like the book or not. I even made sure i read about the author so as not to be disappointed.
"[She] is a historian and cultural critic. She has taught at UCLA, USC, and Occidental College and has written for The Nation, The Village Voice and L.A. Weekly..."
With those kind of credentials, who wouldn't want to read what she has to say???
She criticizes Jerry Garcia within the first 2 pages of the Introduction and I feel like I'm reading a welcoming author to chapter books 4 pages in to the first chapter. I'm not saying i can't give this book a fair chance and i'm sure her facts are correct and in order but, even though i'm reading it for the facts and the history of this amazing woman, the way it's written has ALOT to do with that.
I'll let you know how this one turns out.....

It is a Magic Dance

I've always had a strange obsession with David Bowie and his spandex wearing self. But... i don't know... recently, it's gotten worse. I know this offically makes me kind of a creeper but, i can't watch this video without feeling that plunge to my girl parts.



I'd be his Goblin Queen.
Sigh. Gimme.

Ole Body Ole Pal (A Diet for the Anyone)

So the diet i was trying to stick to is in shambles. However, using my attained knowledge from workout freaks and health nuts, i have created my own, personal regimen and, so far, it has worked. Instead of limiting myself to things i can eat and constant carb and calorie counting (oh you people), i eat what my body craves. I cut fast food and soda's out a long time ago so, what my body craves is generally vitamins that i don't get enough of. It's a genius diet!
I told my recovered-carb-counting-addict best friend about my diet as she's one of the ones that kind of gave me the idea for it and she explained this: Your body craves what it needs and if you don't nourish it with what it's craving, it will retain what it already has and could actually cause you to gain weight.
So if you're randomly in the mood for some pigs in a blanket from the local greasy spoon, it's okay to go for it. If you're craving a big ceaser salad, eat it. If you're craving a croissant sandwich, go for it too.
In this past week and a half, sticking to this diet where i eat one big meal in the morning and snack throughout the day and sometimes eat a meal at night if i'm hungry, it's worked. I've lost 9 lbs in a healthy way, not in that forceful strict diet kind of way. But i also don't overindulge and stuff my face when i snack... that's kind of important. And, i don't crave complete crap food, that's also kind of important.
AND, I've started walking for an hour at night which has helped with my circulation and with maintaining a clear mind and healthy energy. I'm not one to write about these kind of things so, i apologize but, i know this is diet country and i just thought a person with a simple diet that doesn't require any major conditioning from your body - i figured it might be helpful to some.

Saturday, September 18, 2010

oh, and i totally forgot to mention this little gem...

I've decided one of these fabled books i talk about writing will be called, "Shut the Hell Up" and will be targeted to those breakroom-drama people at work. Also, the friends that call to see how you're doing so you'll ask how they're doing... we all know where that leads. And also to those people that you meet at bars or in random places, you know who i'm talking about. Really, to all the self-centered pricks who think they're the only ones with family issues and relationship turmoil. oh yes, they will soon be silenced. Well, maybe, if i ever get around to writing it.

What Do I Get?

Between David Bowie (see my blog Musical Cereal), Nietzsche, drinking with my mom's bestfriend and a new-found devotion to the new spaper in general; i think i'm either going crazy or having the best coming-of-age experience ever for someone my age. I'd kind of like to believe i'm going crazy, that way, i won't seek damage control and i'll just keep going. Because honestly, i'd really like to have something better to write about than my intense disapproval of society as a whole. The funny thing is, last night, i partied it up with people i have not much in common with, people who don't strive for knowledge or to better themselves; people who have simply accepted themselves and built from their mistakes. To put it simply: they strive for happiness.
Even stranger, i didn't feel that gap i usually feel between myself and others. I wasn't studying them or watching their every move, analyzing everything and making mental logs of social patterns. It was a nice break to actually be social and not awkward. Perhaps it was because they're not insecure and needy, or because they don't cry about their problems. Or perhaps because they were all men instead of whiny women.
And in other mediocre news of yours truly, I found Craig Wilson who is a great columnist for Usa Today and who's sarcasm and wit for such a popular newspaper comforts me in my dream of being a music columnist. It was like finding the needle in the haystack. J'aime adore!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

the many faces of love and david bowie

Happiness comes in the form of David Bowie albums. Everything else comes in the form of listening to them. sigh!

Sunday, September 05, 2010

eatin' grapes

I can't seem to shake this strange feeling growing from my bones. I find myself in utter seclusion bonding with Nietzsche and shunning everyone else. As arrogant as this may sound, i need someone who actually understands me, who "confirms" my questions of society, philosophy and psychology. Not that i don't have anyone in my life like that but, they're not always around and not always so willing to hash it out with me.
Nietzsche, he "understands" things in my head that i can't even seem to verbalize. I love him in ways i'll never love a living human being and because of that, i don't feel guilty for hiding away with him and shutting everyone else out. But, the part of me that functions in my generation nags at the idiosyncrasy - social akwardness. Le sigh.

Friday, September 03, 2010

terrible findings

It seems to me, that i merely shift my good qualities in my friendships and relationships. I cannot explain this in the manner i wish to but, it's more something like this; if one is making me happy, the other is making me miserable. What logical explanation is there to that? What kind of psychological hoo-hah is that?
I'd like to blame it on my bestfriend's new-found pessimism but, maybe I'M the one who's changed. The past month has brought with it alot of new ground for me though still a bit wobbly, it's sturdy enough to build something on. Maybe i won't stay here or, maybe i will but, is that any reason to feel so much animosity towards a person i love and adore and who's friendship i cherish? Is this my female wretchedness of two-faced? i don't consider myself to be two-faced but, it seems that by definition and not standards of my own, i am two-faced.
but, i wouldn't say something behind someone's back that i would say to their face... i think my unecessary defense against my own accusations is enough of an asnwer...
so, what needs to shift inside of me? what needs to change so that i can wash myself clean of this bitterness. i don't like it! i try to fight it but.... well....
nothing. i have nothing. no excuse. i must simply try harder.

Friday, August 27, 2010

THAT just happened.

"Hey, hey, mama, said the way you move,
Gonna make you sweat, gonna make you groove!"

HEART-PLUNGING GUITAR RIFF!

What is about Led Zeppelin that has managed to weave it's way through the generations in such vivid clarity?
I threw-eth my ipod on shuffle and all of a sudden, here comes "Black Dog" and it's heart-plunging guitar riffs and vocals. My undying love for the 60's and early 70's is incredibly emphasized when it comes to Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, The Doors and Led Zeppelin. They have that "umph", that defines rock n' roll. If you listen to a band/artist and they cloud your rationality and you have a strong urge to do drugs or have sex; they have therefore managed to surpass all of your repressed urges and personal ethics and you have therefore entered the realm of rock n' roll.
Rock n' Roll is the soul's fountain-of-youth.
To which i end this with the ultimate rock n' roll question: Is it better to burn out or fade away?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

a quick realization

I have come to a sad, yet, unsurprising conclusion; a good majority of the people in my country are stupid. This, i did have an idea as to but, felt i was simply being arrogant in assuming things of such magnitude. But, the word is out. People are stupid.

circles

The past few days, i've been hiding from people. Though physically present, i find myself on autopilot dwelling in deeper thought. There really is no escape from being in this place of my mind, it simply needs to run it's course. But, while i'm always striving for happy - above content, it seems content is the only sturdy ground i have found recently. And in that, i find myself unhappy but, not in a sense that i'm suffering. It's routine. I am not a person who conditions themselves to routine. It's tedious and unfulfilling and unnatural.
For example: though i like my job and enjoy the people i work with; when i'm there, something doesn't seem right about it.
Something doesn't seem right about working almost everyday. I want to learn during my short time here on this earth. I want to observe and study and learn things; know things.
People say there is no other way but, by what means of comparrison do we have to validate this? I fear feeling this way will eventually leave me lonley but then i ask myself, "By what means of comparrison do i have to validate this?"
What else have i ever done?

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

MY thoughts of the mental and the physical

"Whatever is profound loves masks; what is most profound even hates image and parable. Might nothing less than the opposite be proper disguise for the shame of a god?"
-Nietzsche (Beyond Good and Evil)

Because of this, i have decided to start sharing my opinions...

1

Lately, i've battled thoughts of the mental world and the physical world. While i cry out that we should accept our mental beings and blind ourselves to the physical world, it's simply impossible. We are attached to the physical and because of our society, the two have been fused together. There is no way to avoid the visual prejudices of the common man. Even in my bestfriend, i see how she allows herself to be defined by her relationships which are measured on a physically attractive scale. She pulsates through a social network of people equally deprived of character. While this seems a cruel thing to say, it's not, it's a simple observation. She doesn't look for the good in people (the mental), she looks at how they make her look. Which leads to vicarious narcissism, which we will not approach today. For now, i will speak of the mental and physical world.
The psychology of the mind is incredible - to not accept who we are when we can physically be no other is absurd.
Our physical being; our physical surroundings should not define us, should not divide us or create caste systems with impenetrable walls build of things we bear no mental significance to.
Everyone wants to believe they are important; that our lives are somehow incredibly significant. But unfortunately, one "true", cruel, undeniable fact is: no one is important. No one's life is exceptional, we live to the best of our capabilities, a wide, wide, wide range of capabilities. We're so small and insignificant and in the big, BIG picture, our lives are so, so short. We're merely specs of dust; grains of sand, if you will. But this isn't morbid, this is beautiful, absolutely amazing.
So the one true, wonderful thing that seperates us from everything we know about the universe thus far, our thoughts. But, most choose to be ignorant to them; to deny them a room in their minds. Instead, we accept the physical because, it's "changeable", eaiser to decieve with. BEcause it seperates us and allows a definite "significance"; a most obvious difference.
But, with our thoughts combined, we grow; learn; find peace; find solutions. Life could be easier. But, because we live in the physical, we create these caste systems and cruel differenct, yet, become alike in a way that greatly fades the beauty of our existence. By creating standards; expectations, we're simply creating restraints. Yet, our thoughts have no restraints. We are denying ourselves the honest luxury of gain; of growth.
I can understand the importance of living in the physical when it comes to touch and smell and hearing but, i do not understand why the visual should so cruely seperate us.
There is no sincerity in the visual aspect of the physical. It's superficial, all of it, it has no choice.
"i think, therefore i am" applys soley to the individual. Regardless of one's ability to be unaffected by the thoughts of others, if you believe we're mental then, other's thoughts do, indeed, need to be accounted for.
How unfortunate that it is so superficial. "i think, therefore i am" does not understand that our physical beings are now a representation of our mental beings. We have come to a point in our shambles of a society where they must both validate one another. How do we now, shed our physical prejudices towards one another? How can we fully portray our mental being without being shunned by our physical differences?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

hello again

So, here i am! Finally moved out of my grandparent's house. Not any closer to a decision as to what i want to do with my life but, i don't really feel a ton of pressure right now. Or, perhaps i'm just ignoring it, who knows?
I have, however, FINALLY read Nietzsche, after 9 years of reading philosophy and psychology books, it took me until now to read Nietzsche.
I feel as if i've found my soulmate. His arrogance is my repressed arrogance that i will never let surface, not even in my own mind. I find myself looking at things differently too. Philosophy has always been a major influence in my life but, whereas music is able to affect me all the time, philosophy requires a different plunge with it's heaviness. And Nietzsche's words are beautiful and elegant and perfect. And for a short-lived moment, everything seems less meaningless to me. Life in general seems like maybe, possibly it could be worth somehting more than time pressed by gravity. Because, if someone once existed that could write things as wonderfully as Nietzsche did, then it can't really be so pointless. But, at battle with my thoughts, that subsides and i'm left craving more of the fluffy cushion that he sews beneath me.
But at least, for those few moments, i feel the pressure let up a bit and look at things with that light that genuinely faithful people do. But it is not in my nature to accept things that way so, until i am no more, i have Nietzsche. :)

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Fatal Flaws

I listen to music at least, and, this is no stretch; at least 12-16 hours every day. So, it should come as no surprise that a lyric will come across my ears that tickles a nerve that needs relaxing. This time it was in a song by The Shins, "Gone For Good". The Shins, previously neglected due to my dislike for a good portion of indie music, have wormed their way on to my ipod. Anyway, not to stray, the lyric?
"I find a fatal flaw in the logic of love and go out of my head, you love a sinking stone..."
I think i've listened to that one line about 37 times today. Not counting but, that would be a rough estimate based on my stupid obessesion with replaying 3 seconds of any song i see fit to my situation.
This a secret obsession that i do believe only one other human being is aware of and i'm pretty sure he's forgotten so that leaves anyone who reads this.
Other than that, i have nothing much to say.
Also, i am a crazy person, truly.

Thursday, August 05, 2010

unkind nothings

i have nothing to write here. everything is a mess inside of my brain and i'm using old techniques and expecting the outcome to be different. do we ever learn? i think not. at least, i don't think i ever will.
i don't think i'll ever find true satisfaction until i do everything for myself. Until i cut my ties and count my losses. But, at what point does that become easy? And since there is no right or wrong and no greater destiny, then what am i doing anyway? Will life always be so confusing. I envy those who see it as a playground. I'm merely an observer and i write. how completely broing i am.

Sunday, August 01, 2010

dog died.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

considering adoption

Soooo, in a blur of dark folk music the past 7 months and, the songs i've been writing recently in it's presence, i've decided to buy a violin... A cheap, good-for-nothing one that will probably break the first week i have it.
It's $40 for a piece of shit that will make all of my dreams come true. I looked around at banjo's (coveted for 3.5 years now!) and still, they're more than i'm willing to throw down in times of a dry money well.
So between my grandparent's piano, a violin, my ukulele and my guitar, i'm hoping to make some magic happen.
Buuuuuut, we'll see.
I have a feeling that i really will grow in to the eccentric that lives in a studio apartment with 9 cats, 39 intruments and, a typewriter.
I fear i will not be missed until i'm dead.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

reckless ramblings

Last night, i went through pages and pages of a person i used to be. A person that no longer exist; that will never exist again. I have so much evolved from being that person but, that person still felt so much, had so many opinions, had an entire life that no longer breathes. It's more of an art, living. For the present is the only point in which we exist. The future does not nor does the past. We live on assumptions. On the assumption that tomorrow will bring only one outcome from preset outcomes mentally logged from previous experience. You create actions based on the same set of presets. Experience is only a mental notepad to later reference when you find yourself at a similar crossroad or quandry. Opportunity to belive a different, new, fresh outcome is possible only happens after it's already happened once.
We grow in to our patterns. We create mental patterns and run trails in the grass with them.
And though we change, our patterns alway seem to find proper footing in our new skin. I know, somehow, that when this person no longer exists, that the patterns will.
i am simply a fleshy brain who takes mental pictures and remembers them. Who is aware of their existence. Who can calculate outcomes. Who uses numberless math, the language of the universe but, is asked to deny this and believe in god because HE created it.
I do not create myself? Free will and fate cannot coexist. I am a mess of thoughts with no structure. A circle in my brain does not blance out in likeness of topic, it's more like a spiral. Shaving the tips off of random thoughts and compiling them into gibberish like this.
When i land in their soft bedding, perhaps i'll be warm with reason and sense and come to better conclusions than those blotted in journal after journal of neurotic theory and observation. And maybe then, i'll no longer feel the need to keep them shut away and burried beneath dusty boxes. Because this is my only footprint in this world. My words, my theories and my life. This is the only documentation of my existence other than the marble stone i'll eventually be rewarded with.
Please, think me not morbid for i am not. i am only skating across the preset outcomes of an individuals life.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Human Again

My thoughts have returned. Here i am, 4 days sober and i feel my brain sucking in deep breaths of fresh air and dusting off old thoughts, old ambitions, old habits of the person i once truly enjoyed being. And i thought hollowing out would be a better shell for my insecurity but, it turns out that i was never really insecure. I was just confused. And here i go again, working on ways to becoming the person i envision myself becoming because, i want to be that person so badly and right now, the two contrasting persons i am are nowhere close to finding a balance. I'm either one or the other. I'm loud, arrogant, peppy, talkative Whitney or i'm quiet, pensive, serious, intelligent Whitney with thoughts behind thoughts. But all of my visual and audible portrals are simply falsehoods to the person that lies beneath them. Layer behind false layer of a person who has seemingly got her shit together. But really, i'm still scrambling around picking up scraps and building a model of the perfect human being. And at least now, with everything out of my system, i feel myself clearing the wooded path and walking with more sun light.
What a numbing hell it's been. To feel nothing is to be nothing and to be nothing is a waste of being something. My life is full of what it needs to be full of. Love, music, words, sadness, happiness, beauty, romance and kindness. The key elements to the nature of my character in this life. I will be more but, for now, that's enough to scrape by on. I'm only 24, after all.

Monday, July 26, 2010

babble-on

I feel empty lately. Not in a sense that i'm miserable and incomplete. More in a sense that i've had no true fulfillment in any emotion in a while. I know, i either complain about all of my emotions to strong or not being strong enough. I don't really mean to complain but, it seems i can find no middle ground that suits me. Something is never enough. The true nature of any woman i suppose.
My love for dark folk music has increased tremendously and the ability to capture the nature of it's harmonies on my guitar has developed even more so.
With that in mind, i guess there is fulfillment. But it still feels kind of hollow.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

more circles

So, i've decided to quit smoking. At lunch yesterday with my dad for his bday, i saw a waitress smoking and she looked disgusting and i decided that it was time to work towards my goal of quitting smoking by 25. Well, each day is closer to 25 and i'm up to at least 2 packs a week. I don't want to look as disgusting as this woman did. She was overweight, unhealthy, unattractive and the cigarette didn't help. Plus, i'm not going to lie that vanity has nothing to with it, i'd like to age well like my mother and grandmother. I already look 18 yrs old at 24, so i know i've got the genes.
In other tedious updates; i called about a house sitting job advertized in the paper and through a brief set of questions was asked my height and weight. Um, huh?
I didn't relaize you could legally ask people that question. I guess it's okay to discriminate when it's your own money? And the man that called wasn't even the owner of the home, he was someone who worked for them. My great luck.
Still confused on what to do with my life and idling in that strange murkiness pre-big decision. Why is starting your life on the right path so difficult? I thought figuring out what you truly wanted to do was the hard part? But now that i know, everything is more confusing. I guess because i see all that's pulling me away from it and can't seem to set it right. I thought mid-twenties was supposed to be the time of my life. I just feel like i've done nothing and all the time i've been doing what i want has only landed me in the field of late bloomers and the colors are faded :(
I'm not bored, just impatient.
Hurry up!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

this is how i SEE music.

"Emperor" by Beethoven still remains my most beloved piece of music ever composed. I've written about this one song more times than i care to count and yet, it never seems to change, never seems to get tiresome. The feeling of euphoria and sadness wrapped in it's harmonies never falters inside of me. i love music so much i cry from it's passion. I do, i cry because it loves me back to the depths of which i love it. The beauty of my gift with words is that i'm able to explain the beauty of other's gifts. Like Beethoven. No music has ever talked to me the way his does. I have cried in communication with his harmonies and have felt love to depths of which i can not describe. I have loved music more than i have ever loved any human being for it does not judge, only comforts. And it's always been there. Nothing has ever understood me like music or empowered me like muisc. My appreciation for life has derived from music.
If i could allow you to glimpse in to my mind, surely you'd see how beautiful all things are. How wonderful life is but, i can not. This silly blog shows nothing, my real thoughts remain hidden in journals and scraps of paper saved in boxes but mostly, it's all in my mind. In things i see and hear, in beautiful and awful things i bear witness to. It's all painted on some invisible canvas that you could never truly see. I wish... i wish i could just say the wonderful things i think and feel and be taken seriously but, it seems no one is ever willing to listen. Not in a self-pity way but, in a basic observation of the majority of the human body being self-centered. It's okay. :)
This is my gift:
"Emperor" by Beethoven is exactly 7 minutes and 31 seconds long. The first time i heard the song, time elapsed mental images of life from the beginning of time until buildings and traffic and iphones flew past me. But in a form not derived from sadness. This one piece of music mocks the greatest feelings of passion, sadness, joy and anger and pulls you in each of those directions at once. It mocks life in it's short lived beauty. Of being up and down and confused and even matches a point in life of a feeling of perfection. The whole song builds up to a 10 seconds window which employs all of those emotions at once. But it's so cleverly done to match something to which i truly cannot describe. It's love but, of all things, not for a single person.
Through minutes 5:08-5:18, something happens in your chest and slowly washes over your entire body. Every emotion to it's extreme runs in your veins but, it feels euphoric. To understand a meaning beyond words, to understand harmonies in a language you can't reply in. To understand life in harmonies. That's what it does.
You live your whole life for one moment; one moment you build up inside of yourself and once you reach it; it feels like those 10 seconds. What rests before it is only what took it to get there and nothing will ever be as beautiful afterwards. It's life mashed down into 7 minutes and 31 seconds with 10 seconds of perfection. And stretched across a wider scale of say, of 80 years, that's about what it amounts to.
The song is so simple yet it's "words" so complex. How do you do that? How did he, a deaf man, understand life in that language and then explain it so beautifully?
My gift is in words but i understand that language much better.

Odd Happenings

So i woke up, ran my errands, pooped and sat down to eat my breakfast sandwhich. I turned on the TV to watch while i ate and guess what was on a "Revolutionary Filmakers" show?
Harold and Maude!!!!! Holy shit, after listening to Albert Hammond Jr. and feeling butterflies this morning and now people are talking and worshiping my favorite film ever. You cannot imagine my delight! You really cannot!
I've been watching the movie by bits and pieces between breaks at work and before i go to bed on my ipod for the past month now. Not to mention drowning in Cat Stevens gloriousness for 2 months.
Sigh. i feel good :)

Friday, July 09, 2010

i miss my bff :(

So Rose is stuck in Cali due to the riots. :(
It's only been 4 days and i miss her terribly. How do women create that bond? That mental balance between one another? I think alot of it has to do with our lives running semi-parallel but, it's also the fact that we've been friends for 10 years and know each other like we know ourselves. Gar!
She's kind of my main soical life. I've hung out with her everday for two weeks and she's stayed over almost all of those nights and we've kept each other in great company.
Gar!
I miss muh friend!

Thursday, July 08, 2010

fixin' the hole in my head

Know what's awesome about the new me (as of the past few months at least)?
The ablity to be me. The ablity to not stew in shit and the letting go of the fear that's held me back for so long. I wish i could explain it. I know it also has alot to do with the people i choose to call my friends but, they're my friends due to the way i present myself as well. who cares anyway? no one reads this.

Monday, July 05, 2010

something to update?

So i've been making sure my journal stays full of the status of my brain. The past few days are all jumbled up inside of it's pretty binds but, i guess it will eventually mean something to someone more than just me... hopefully... some day.
i can't believe i'm actually following through on a book. I've always flaked out on them but, i've always used false characters with no real qualities, only extentions of my own fucked up personality.
it never occured to me that i might actually be interesting enough to write about. It's nothing like the virtual pages you find here in my uncharming life, it's different when i know no one can see it. it's like stage fright but with words.
hopefully you can understand.

Friday, July 02, 2010

poem with an explanation

In sleep-
i find thoughts i hide in wake
In wake-
i think of what i hide in slumber
The in between keeps thoughts in position
Ignite the piston
For the brain never truly lets it's lids down

Of a recent narcotics spreee in which i'm writing my first book (for serious this time fellas)i have found that the feelings i cling so deeply to, that i appreciate so much - that in thier absence is something great too - numbness.
But at then, the point to ask yourself; to ask myself:
the thing so kind about the numbness is the fact that we are able to compare it to the pain of the depths of the things we so greatly take for granted. i will never want to become some numbed narcotic addict, i simply want to write a book.
Like all writers do. A book for people to understand, a book for people to say, "yes, i too am that person at times".
Because between the numbness and the deep penetrating feelings that i've lived with for so long, the greater is the fact that i'm able to feel so much.
the numbness is simply a sleep for my thoughts, the point of the poem.
I need a break from my thoughts. not that i don't love them, i never want them to leave me but, just because you love your family doesn't mean you want to be around them all the time.
I accept the judgement and the hypocricy that have so kindly brandished before ye all. But if you too, are a thinker, you'll be kind enough to sympathize with the pain of a brain that never sleeps.
And the nap is a long needed companion.
My happiness lies in the fact that i am able to understand that i can feel so much becaues the narcotics numb them out so much. It's like being in the black and white but knowing that the colors are greater, just a bit too bright sometimes.
I hope that helps a bit - my ramblings are a bit incoherent at times.

And as a side note: unless you're battered by your thoughts constantly, stay away from all narcotics, that's the best advice i have. Becaues unless you truly love and appreciate your thoughts, you will become addicted and it's a sad place to be without all the wonderful things we're truly capable of feeling.

Time to enjoy life :)

stage 4 of shitiness

So yesterday, i found out my grandmother has stage 3 lung cancer where it had previously NOT been 3 months prior. So, needless to say, she's pretty sick. She's too weak for kemo so they're attempting radiation but, apparently it's the type of cancer that comes back and since it spreads so rapidly, it's likely it will come back.
I haven't seen her in a good 6 months at best but, i remember summer childhoods being the best part of my life when i was there with her and she's the only one i have to remember them with, so then who do i have to recall the hilarious stories with?
And she only lives an hour away but i never take time out of my self-centered life to go see her. And it happened to me; those feelings of regret and the "why didn't i's?"
but i'm so fortunate i still have time to do those things because damn, if only i could explain what a stubborn, independent woman she is. And she's always told me and everyone shamelessly that i'm her favorite grandchild.
And the funny thing is, she's been worried about me after i had called my mom crying last saturday from all the stress i've been under with two jobs and a shitty boyfriend.
Please, someone, tell me what i'm supposed to do because spending time with her just doesn't seem like enough.

Thursday, July 01, 2010

on the wagon

there is a feeling that happens in my belly that i can no longer coexist with.
Not anymore.
i have decided to start my first real book about things i actually know about.
Music, relationships, narcotics and psychology.
Sure, it's been done before. But it's not an attempt to somehow paint an image of some drug-binged relationship whore, no.
It's more about the psychology of relationships and how narcotics and women are like sex, drugs and rock n' roll; a perfect blend.
So i guess it's sort of autobiographical but, not intentionally. Only because it's something i can write about from first hand experience. And dedications? Miss Rose, Abbie Hoffman and, David Bazan.
My hereos.
Oh and how does music come in to it all?
It just always does. It's just that important.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

the truth of MY life

The past two weeks of my life have been more than a milestone of growth.
All the fears that rested in my belly suddenly disappeared and things i never saw in myself suddenly became very apparent.
Things i'm capabale of; things i can change; things i've always been in control of but never saw the courage in myself to take advantage of. If there were only enough words and time to explain the recent happenings in my life without boring anyone to death, i'd surely be writing them all over the page.
In a mind-fuck of mind-twirling drugs that all great writers (though i dare not deem myself one) seem to have experienced, i wrote things in my journal i never knew myself able to write. i wrote poetry and beautifully sad words that writing, i remember not.

As such:

To feel so much
There is no better thought to humble-
The turmoil of it's darkest hour.

and then went to write ramblings that bear something deeper than the silly words.
to me, these words are everything.
To others, a mere moment of childish behavior weaved into silly words and immaturity and sinfullness.
But i care not.

In life
I've seen there to be-
the beauty and it's villian
A jarring image?
Reconsider
The possibility of deep emotions
For to feel so deeply
In space - in life
In question of our existence
That we; mere vessels
Of an unintended invention
There is no villian-
Only the glorious happenings of the nature of consciousness
We are ALIVE

These words live inside of my head without ever breathing air. Only the "oxygen" between the miles and miles of cyber space.
So here i belong, amongst my words and amongst my beauty.
That one day, all will see. But not today and not tomorrow. But one day. While i'm still breathing pure oxygen.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

♪♫♪♫

there is nothing greater than music. at the very core of everything beautiful in my life, there is music.
my belly is full of butterflies.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

"that dress does absolutely no justice to your curves"

I have a best, best friend and to think of never knowing her sinks my stomach equivilant to Titanic proportions. The one person who knows EVERY dirty secret and everything about me, who knows who i am just as i do and who picks me up even when i make the stupidest decisions. She is brutally honest and she truly loves me back.
I love her as i love my family (even they consider her family), unconditionally and free of any prejudice or judgement. I call her Peanut Butter because she is my Plan B if i take the path of a single life. It doesn't leave much up to the imagination to guess my nickname to counter hers.
We made a pact to die old together. I can't believe i have a friend to spend my life with. I couldn't get by without her, not after 10 years with her fighting on my team, right or wrong in the battle.
I can't express a bigger love for her because it's not possible to explain how much she has meant to me throughout our friendship. I've been very fortunate to have wonderful friends but, she shines above them all.
i don't know why i feel so much love for her right now, she's just been so good for me the past few months and i for her.
i have no shame in my cheesy ramblings of appreciation and seemingly border-lining homosexuality. My life would be lonely without her and i'd have no one to tell me i looked fat in that dress.
She's music to me in the physical form and i love her more than any words could ever justify. :) ♥

Monday, June 14, 2010

the search is over!

Some internal shift has taken place and it's a good, steady pace to the chaotic circles i've been moving in. It occured to me... well sometime after watching Harold and Maude last week. I was driving home, almost in tears at my lack of social abilities and the fact that i always get that confused, "what the fuck... you're a strange one" look that i so often get. And suddenly it occured to me. The real reason i want to move to Arizona and then to California with Matt, the true, underlining beat of the entire decision. It's for me, for love too and for the hope of a wonderful life with the person i truly, truly care about but, for me, for the better of my mental health. For the dreams that i know will eventually become reality for me. I will be a writer and i will be happy and i will grow fully in to the person i slowly see myself becoming.
I saw what distanced me from other people and it's not that i'm strange, sure, i'm a bit odd but in a natural, unique way. Not in a creepy, sleep-with-your-door-locked-when-i-stay-over type of way.
The thing is, i'm truly passionate about my opinions and i know why i feel what i feel and why i say what i say. Everything i say and do is critiqued by the thoughts that plague me in hours of deep observation of the going-abouts of my life and those around me. i have perfected the person i want to be and i grow in to that person more every day.
I know who i am and what i believe in, there is no doubt about the things i feel, the things i think or the things i know are real.
I am a person who is fully developed in the field of self-knowledge. i get confused sometimes but, only during periods of transition. From mile stone to mile stone.
So i am moving, there is no question but for once i know what it's really for and Matt is the perk. Because if i wasn't moving for him, it'd be me moving somewhere else. I don't belong where i'm at and no disrespect to my peers or family but, i have a bigger life inside of me that doesn't belong here with theirs and until they find that page in their lives, i'll always be odd.
And in that, i will never be lonely again, not within myself.
i guess it comes down to the fact that i'm not afraid anymore because i know how hard i'll work to succeed in the things that bring me happiness and i'll pull through all the bullshit with my head up. i'm not afraid of being alone forever anymore because i have a big, big heart and a big, big love in it and each day i grow more and more in to that person that i see.
I have finally found the gap between myself and those that make me feel like my oddness is to be looked down at and i'm not better than anyone but they're not better than me either. i will never be insecure about who i am again.
i'm a "Maude" because i always have been :)

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

there could be no better atticus finch than gregory peck

Downloaded To Kill A Mockingbird for my iPod. My favorite book ever and one of my favorite movies ever. Atticus Finch still remains my favorite character ever.
Not a big movie watcher, it's a big deal for me to get excited about movies.
so here i am, a 70 year old trapped in a 24 yr olds body.
One of my tattoos is even a tribute to "To Kill a Mockingbird."
good lord, i'm such a huge nerd... quite shamelessly.

life is too short to cry over stolen iPods

sooo i either lost my iPod or it was stolen. i didn't freak out like i thought i would, i guess because i was able to buy a new one... and did... shamelessly. Even though i have a roof over my head out of family kindness. In my own defense; music is my glue and without it, i'd be toast. Literally, it's up there with food and water. Plus, i bought one at a pawn shop so i don't feel so bad. 160GB for $60 :)
The only thing i'm truly upset about is the fact that it was a gift from muh boyfriend and it weighed heavily in sentimental value.
But, out of a recent debacle, blinded by sheer anger; i deleted the video of his nice words and "i love you more than anything" reminder and blah, blah as a way to move past things that i felt were holding me back in my personal pursuits.
So, the fact that it was a choice to be one less of the video and that i'll never have to face the embarassement of ever being caught with the video; it seems the fact that i lost my iPod (or had it stolen) isn't as servere as it could be.
I can't really recall a time i ever lost my shit over my shit luck. i guess because i'm used to it after 24 years.
My car: broken in to 3 times, stereo stolen each time - didn't freak out, laughed.
When my truck died in the library book drop drive through - laughed at the hilarious death spot and used the book drop as an air vent in the schorching heat.
It just seems that nothing is ever really worth being so upset over. Not when it's replaceable and generally, humor can be found in any situation, you just have to look for it sometimes.
There's nothing that's irreplaceable except for us. We're the only thing that can't be replaced and i've never lost sight of that. I don't know where this calmness comes from but it makes my life so easy and sunny and as long as i have my friends and family and my boyfriend (even when he's being a doucher), i'm happy.
But what makes me most happiest is that i'm me and i wouldn't ever want to be anybody else, ever. :)
End of story.

oh, and a major p.s.!!!
i put harold and maude on my "new" ipod, life is suuuuperb!!!!

Monday, June 07, 2010

my most favorite thing ever

Watching Harold and Maude again, called all the local video stores to see if they sold it... NO WHERE! Closest store with available stock is 45 minutes away.
time for some online shoppen'
my head was full of things to write. then suddenly...

Sunday, June 06, 2010

are you souless?

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

If you watch this and it doesn't spark something inside of you, it's safe to assume you have no soul.
(that there sentence is a link)

the mind of a child

Things seem to be falling in to place, most finally.
One of my sarcastically superstitious bff's bought me this great "worry doll" (with great psychological powers!) to sleep with under my pillow.
Woke up feeling fantastic the 2 days i slept with it under my pillow.


I also found these great snacks at work that i loooove and make me feel happeh!


Who wouldn't think this was awesome!?




Um because, it totally is!

Aaaaand, yah. Even though i vowed i'd mention it no more, i have to say, things are improving a bit with the boyfriend and although i'm still a bit skeptical of the sincerity, it feels good and balances my shit-fucked emotions.
That's all. :)

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

a buncha words

7:40 am and i'm already running behind. But, there is always time to write.
Closing at work last night was brutal as i slowly realized that though i love my boss, he is completely retarded and has no idea what he's doing even though his intentions are good.
So, today is 8-1:30 babysitting and then 2-10:30 close at work.
I've been working my ass off trying to save money and move but... so many setbacks.
And, the family is still in denial of me leaving; like hope stew.
Okay, well, time to wipe the ugly off my face and you know, do it.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

no bad sushi in these parts!

Another shift at 4:30 today.
Noooooo thanks.
I hate that i have that mid-twenties snobbery towards working with teenagers but, seriously, it's a drag. I have nothing against them personally but, their work ethic makes me want to smash nails underneath my fingernails.
Ah well, i guess we were all there once.
However! I did have the most amazing sushi today for lunch! My favoriate from HUI CHUAN SUSHI where they have the most amazing ever sushi called "Cowgirl Roll" (fuck you all, it's Texas) with mango and avacado and crab and this awesome spicy mango sauce that makes your lips burn.
Omg, it's so good you don't even want to eat anything after you eat it because the aftertaste is so good.
Now this picture doesn't really do much justice but it's so damn delicious:

Yum.
Okay, that's all. Feeling sad? Eat some sushi!
S'right!

a step forward in my two steps back repetition

Not a shabby weekend. One of those clairvoyant weekends that creates an exciting feeling in your tummy.
That reminds you that your life is about you, and you can make it whatever you want with the shambles of whatever happens. A very nice feeling to have after the little depression spell i've been relentlessly digging my way through.
That is the one thing i've always prided myself on, the fact that i've never given in to my depression and just let it sail; i've always fought it. Looooong and hard but, always fighting.
Plus, there's music which ALWAYS, ALWAYS helps. Happiness!
Ah, what would i do without?
I can think of nothing that has ever been more kind to me.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

grrr(l)

i hate working late in the evening until night. I feel like it's such a waste of my day prior to my shift. Too limited to what i can do.
So, i've spent the morning learning how to manuver around the complications of texting with a touch screen phone. S'very difficult for me.
Now, i'm downloading vag rock in hopes to be emotionally sedated by the angry female vocals and relationship-hatred.
Uhhh, i'll let you know how it turns out.
Early 90's riot grrrl is sorta new found for me in my embrace to my feminity.
I feel like wearing light denimn straight legs with a white t-shirt under plaid long-sleeved and converse high tops.
Sigh, still far too long before work. :/

deaf or blind? pft.

Normally, i'll put my iPod on shuffle in hopes that, that miraculous thing will happen where the exact song i need to hear comes on exactly when i need to hear it.
This happens to me quite often but never enough it seems.
Tonight, however, complete success in a most grateful way! See my other blog for details.
I can't help this, through generations (on both sides of the fam fam) of guitar players, pianist and druken singers; the music gene hit me hard. I'd surely die if i didn't have music. It's the only thing (other than writing) that has ever made complete sense in my life and that i've been consistent with my feelings for. A much-coveted goal for me.
I wish everyone could feel this way about something. I know that when i'm at the bottom of my darkest feelings, i always have music and it's never failed me. It kicks my confidence up and it bandaids all of my emotional wounds in ways that i'll never be able to explain with words.
Music accentuates all of my good qualities and i feel very strongly that without music, i'd probably be a shitty person. Not because it's a battle but because music is what humbles me and comforts me when i feel guilty or angry.
I will never be able to fully explain it's meaning in my life but i'll long-wind the hell out of you trying to.
The cheesiest thing i ever told anyone was this: "I bleed music notes".
How terrible is that?
Good lord, i'm such a nerd.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

i'm not much but i've got "jazz"

A theraputic hole-in-your-confidence remedy for those who forget their self-value sometimes. Because i think it happens to the very best of you all and i'm not a whole hell of a lot but, i am someone and, i know exactly who i am and exactly who i want to be.
I picked up my journal and wrote down everything i liked about myself and re-read it again and again until i understood what each individual thing truly meant in my life. A firm believer that even the bad qualities of a person are to be loved as it completes them, i think sometimes we have to only think about the good qualities.
The bad qualities may enhance the goodness of the positive ones but, sometimes you just need the brighter colors.
It's a quick fix that doesn't take long and leaves a bit of an impression on you. AND, it's available whenever you need it.
Or, if you're a female, you can just listen to some vag rock and call it a day. That always works.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

truth by mistake

In a crazy flurry of words last night, i allowed my pen to blaze across the pages of my own, personal journal. After reading the words formed from my emotional throw up, i realize that my biggest problem really IS my biggest problem. I'm not insecure about who i am, i'm not insecure about what makes me different from eveyrone else, i'm not insecure about the things i truly love; mostly modest. What i'm insecure about is the fact that i never say the things that i should. That i never say the things that i feel. And when i do, i'm unappreciated for them. Not by all persons but, by one in particular.
In a painful, truly crazy emotional state, i wrote:

"I'm spilling my guts on paper and no one sees.

NO ONE.

Why can't i spill my guts in the air?"

It's like really bad indie lyrics but, i understand it exactly, of course i do, i wrote the words.
So what's my problem?
We only live once, right? What the fuck am i doing? What exactly am i hiding from? My words are the things i have that truly define me. I can arrange them and make them whatever i want them to be. Not only that, why am i so afraid of my emotions? Isn't that what makes us truly unique in this universe?
I'm tired of being so frightened. I'm ready to be more than this. Because i am more than this.

The fact is, i'm entirely crazy.

I am a crazy female.
Fortunately, i know who i am and who i want to be.
Unfortunately, i feel i'm nowhere close to becoming the person i see myself growing in to. Not that i'm worried about not becoming her but, you know, when?
I guess it's that mid-20's crisis that seems to ring a familiar bell but, you rarely hear about it.
I wish it was as simple as that God damned Cinderella. Where the fuck is my Fairy Godmother? Pft.
In the mean time, i have music and writing and that keeps me content. It hit me a few months back after buying a Jean-Paul Satre book, that i'm in complete control of whoever i want to be. And it later came to me that the only restaints are mental assuming you have no physical setbacks.
I write about that alot, perhaps not here but in my own, personal journal.
It seems vital to repeat that so when i go back through and read the uncharming things that i encounter in my mental battles, i remember that it's all up to me.
No one can have the best of me.
And so, i end this with;
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." --Eleanor Roosevelt

Monday, May 24, 2010

The Gloriousness of Cellphones

What ever did we do before we had camera's on our cellphones? Nevermind digital cameras, the fact that you can disguise your picture taking addiction of epically white trash moments like these with your cellphone is unbeatable.
I call this picture, "Look everyone, it's Oprah!"

(click to enlarge)
Very rarely do i eat fast food, especially the notorious McDonalds but, my dear friend talked me into warm cookies and then, BAM! The white trash express rolled it's glorious wheels right across my path.
Don't ever dare tell me that fast food chains do not target people that would drive a stretch limo through a $4 burger drive-thru.
I have pictures to prove it.

You! Shut Your Mouth!

There are few people i truly admire. There are many i respect but, few that i actually, genuinely admire.
Off hand, i can think of 4.
Like a picky gardner, i am.
The one person that truly humbles the pit of my tummy was this woman i worked with at the dreaded Home Depot job a few years back. She was absolutely amazing. She worked two full-time jobs, lost her mom to cancer, her grandmother passed, her sister died (can't recall the cause) and, her brother was a failed suicide; all within a 6 month period. But, every day that she came to work, she came smiling, friendly and, incredibly positive and upbeat.
I asked her once how she did it and she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "only Jesus can put me down". She didn't want pity, she didn't ask for anyone's advice, she didn't even mention it. And, i adored her because it wasn't a situation where you thought, "my problems ain't no thang", it was a situation where you looked at her and wanted to value yourself as much as she valued herself above things that you can't change.
Even as an athiest, her words made me tear up because she truly put herself above life's bullshit and kept her head above water. I've never been that inspired by anyone to stop bitching about my plight. Even now, i still think of her when i'm depressed and channel all of the energy it takes to be in a shitty mood in to my music (equivilant to jesus for moi).
I owe her so much more than a silly blog.

Thoughts that hover above my Rasin Bran Cereal and Figi Bottle

I woke up with my head feeling like someone squeezed a, "feel shitty today" suppository up my ass.
I've found, generally (before i just jinxed it) that when i wake up feeling shitty, my day magically turns in to hyper bliss.
Other than that, eh. Probably just need some postitive interaction?
I can't help but keep wondering when the hell i'm going to snap out of this. Hopefully soon, the dregs of my boredom are gray and cold and mentally defeating.
I wish i could just curl up today and read Moby Dick, that would make me feel all fuzzy and gooey inside.
Ah well, oooooh the pains of growing up!

"Caught in the act of not being awesome"

Soooo, i've decided that i will post no more stupid, lovesick entries here, they will all be in "The Undertow", where they should have been the entire time.
Not that anyone actually reads this riff raff but, just incase you are, you no longer have to read about my emotional state... in my relationship at least.
Like a breath of fresh air or something cliche like that.
Enjoy the clean slate..ish.
So now, a place to be me, entirely, without the static.
Gosh golly.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

The GRR factor

Trying to ween myself from a 9 year smoking habit, i find that little things actually do irritate me :/
My boyfriend being of them. I'm so tired of wasting so much mental time on him. I'm not even getting paid for the overtime.
I have so many wonderful qualities and i genuinely like who i am and i'm strong and idependent, so what gives?
My physical journal is like mental torment and my guitar is bringing no comfort. My music, though comforting, just isn't making the cut.
I feel like i should be curled up in a bathroom somewhere drunk and doing heroin or coke. Only because that's how lost i feel, not because i actually have any desire to do that.
Rose is in California until next week and i miss her so much. I can't even imagine what i'm going to do without her when i move to Arizona.
Does life always hurt this bad when it's really happening?
I'm ready to pass this milestone and make it to my next stable footing. This rock is wearing thin and i'm about to crash in to the ocean. I don't know how i'm holding myself so strong, i just keep focusing and giving myself those awful pep talks and keep finding the positive in everything and you know, it's not hard but it sure takes alot of energy.
Sigh.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hi, my name's Whitney and I'm a "-holic" of some sort

What is it about being in a relationship that makes women so miserably crazy? I'm so tired of being hung up on this. Why can't i just find room for myself and be happy? I hate that i let this plague me so dreadfully. I'm well beyond a point where my heart won't be damaged if something happens. So what now? Why am i clutching this like it's my last breath? I am a whole person outside of this and i can't seem to remember that, EVER. And i'm a great person outside of it. I have everything i want. What is it about love that's so addicting? It's like chocolate, like cigarettes, like alcohol. It's a different kind of high. Everything is a high and all i wanna do is be sober. Just wash myself of everything and not know this awful feeling. When does it get better?

Sunday, May 09, 2010

"What if it was everyone... singing to this song?"

Toilet dancing. A new phrase i most recently created. Literally within just seconds.
You see, i fidget on the toilet. It's the strangest thing. I didn't notice it until mid-peepee-dance, pre-toilet sitting. I thought to myself, "Hm, how odd that i shift awkwardly while i'm pissing."
This has no direct effect on my aim, for all those concerned or even still reading this gibberless (oh, that's two phrases!).
I feel odd in my head, most obviously.
This is all a true story, i really do fidget on the toilet.
I live by a paraphrased statement with no direct reference to my 1st created phrase. The first time i read it, i felt that warm gushiness of understanding and relief.
It says;
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music"
It's very true. Those who don't understand me seem to think i'm odd or goofy, i'm really not though. I just have opinions and share things that, though insignificant, are always welcomed... i think?
No matter, i can't explain how that ridiculous quote penetrates my life so deeply. But it is, however, paraphrased from Nietzsche, so perhaps the meaning lies deeper than it's cheeky words and i'm the wiser for understanding it.
Who knows?
Better yet, who cares?

Thursday, May 06, 2010

I used to make fun of my mom for liking cheesy things like this:





















but, sadly, i totally get it now...
Of all the weird shit i've been going through lately, nothing has made me feel better like my best friend/extended family.
I don't even have to talk to her about the problem, simply talking to her rids me of whatever emotion is pummeling at me.
At what point did an inner shift take place to where that shit made sense?
I feel like my grandma looking at scripture with animal backgrounds.

Mental dive, there goes my good feeling :/

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

"One thing you can't hide, is when you're crippled inside"

Are all men terrible people beneath their layers?
Is their nothing at their core other than primitive instincts and the ability to shed thier affection like skin? Why are women so emotional?
Is there some middle ground that i'm simply missing? I don't know how to not feel or think these things. It's all a mess of colors inside my head that i can't seem to decipher and it plagues me constantly and refuses to let up.
The weight of it pushes my relationship futher into the wet sand and i have no ground to sturdy myself on. I'm going down with it and my dignity is at an all time low. I think. That, i'm not so sure of.
But seriously! What the hell is this? Does it ever get easier or do relationships keep running these circles around each other? 'Cause quite honestly, i'm pretty sure i can't handle this much longer. My mental state now relies entirely on the state of my relationship. And i feel pathetic. I'm a strong, opinionated woman but my weakness is the on perosn i love and i care nothing about myself when he's around.
What does one make of that?
AUGH!
Fugg it all!

Monday, May 03, 2010

yes, i LOVE my job!

























Sooo, i really like starbucks because this is what i spent an hour and a half of my shift doing.
And since it's supposed to look just like the board on the "Siren's Eye", they didn't care that it took me an hour and a half.

The finale...


























Honestly, Starbucks is the funnest job i've ever had. No one cares what you do as long as you're working when you need to.
Plus, who couldn't love free coffee all day?

upon later review of my poetry

When i write (with a pen), i don't fully realize what i'm writing, it just comes naturally. So when i write poetry, it's like the breaking of a dam concealing all of my emotions. The only part i take control over is making sure my poetry is consistent with the reason i'm writing it.
In "the zone" the other day, i wrote something that blew my mind due to accuracy of it's meaning. To most, it's likely to seem like a metaphor of some kind, but for me, it's an exact interpretation.

"I've built my thoughts between two covers
To shut away and never mutter"

I'm very shy about anything i write and only feel comfortable posting some of it on the internet as i know that no one i know will ever stumble upon it. None of my friends are aware i have a blog and only one person knows i have a Red Bubble page for my poetry and only because he told me about it.
The seams of my writing are all stitched in to this odd, intricate design that no one is meant to ever solve.
I fear this means that no one truly knows me and perhaps it does mean just that but in that case, can anyone ever really know anyone? I mean, the worst of ourselves lives inside of us and only we know that alter-ego entirely.
And it mostly depends on how much you're willing to accept about yourself. So with that in mind, i believe the majority of people live in denial of themselves which never fully allows them to know who they truly are.
I've never really had that problem, i've never had problems admitting my shitty qualities or apologizing for them and i've always been a strong individual.
So my arrogance reigns a bit because it's not difficult for me but in realizing those things that most want to pretend doesn't exist inside of them. In that, i also realize that everyone is arrogant in the things that are simple to them.
So, is it really arrogance? No, it's the common sense of the individual.
MY POINT? There isn't one. I was just excited about my poetry because it's something i've lived by without knowing the words. BIG DEAL as you can clearly see i love to write.

Sunday, May 02, 2010

What of this?

Emily Dickinson
Billie Holiday
Smog
Doc Watson
Ralph Stanley

That was my day.
Oh, and Starbucks. As i haven't "blogged" in a bit, i should mention that i was hired at Starbucks and now hold two jobs. Strange contrast between working at Cracker Barrel and Starbucks. Most ironic thing: they're on opposite sides of the freeway.
I.E. one is for country folks and the other for city people.

Stranges emotions are stirred listening to Doc Watson. I feel like every crazy thought and feeling i've ever had are suddenly being validated.


Aaaaaaand to end this;

I reason, earth is short,
And anguish absolute.
And many hurt;
But what of that?

I reason, we could die.
The best vitality
Cannot excel decay;
But what of that?

I reason that in heaven
Somehow, it will be even,
Some new equation given;
But what of that?

So fuck you if you don't like Emily Dickinson.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Eighth Circle of Hell

So… went to the Cracker Barrel initiation. Was sworn in and worshiped for taking the shitty job at such an age of responsible adulthood. There are some perks to working there, but the overall gash in my dignity is of no value to be compensated by amazing benefits and a weekly paycheck. The pastel hell I will now become familiar with bears no repentance towards my shriveled soul.
Sigh.
I am, however, thankful for the job so I can start saving money to move to Arizona by June or July. At which point I can transfer to another Cracker Barrel and endure the country-style wooden ship amongst the Easter-colored sea of atrocity.
Well, this is one ship I will not being going down with.


Feel the burn:

Ever wondered what's on the menu in Hell?


























Try traveling to Hell with this handbasket
























Feeling left out? Don't worry, everyone benefits!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

The Many Perks of Being a Self-Deprecator

Good afternoon to Nick Drake and 3 cups of very strong bold coffee. J
I’ve finally found a big, quiet place to sit and listen to my music and write.
I called my mom crying around 2 o’clock after Cracker Barrel called me and told me my background check came through and they were ready to have me come on board.

-I thought you’d be happy you finally found a job
-I’m 24 years old, working at Cracker Barrel, part-time for $7.25 an hour…
-Well, I know it’s not your dream job but it’s a job. Are you worried someone is going to see you, is that what’s wrong?
-I don’t care if anyone sees me, I care what I think about myself

The tone of the conversation was a dramatically comedic, not drenched in self-pity, minus the tears, of course.
Thankfully my boyfriend isn’t above hashing my insecurities and threw a few more punches at my bruised ego after calling to patronize me.

“Well, this is certainly something to celebrate!”
“This is amazing, you have a wonderful career blossoming before you!”

-Dude, I feel like a failure
-You have every right too! [insert laughter]

When I say thankfully, I really do mean that. He’s great at not feeling sorry for me and kicking me I’m down (over bullshit problems) and for some reason, it’s one of my favorite things about him. Much like back in October when I was fired after 5 hours on a temp. job at a costume store for not knowing what I was doing and walking in circles around the store.
He called to see if I was okay and was happy to find me laughing at myself so he could throw in his jokes at the expense of my situation. Self-deprecation truly is my finest quality and has always earned me more friends than expressing sincere concern towards shitty situations.
When being the fat kid earned me no friends, self-deprecation and sarcasm sure did.
I may never be the prettiest person, but I’ll always be the happiest when my life sucks.

More Reasons To Love Your Grandparents

Monday, March 29, 2010

Reasons To Love Your Grandparents

The Satirical Version of my Epically Friendless Childhood

This house is a graveyard for creativity, I haven‘t played my guitar in 2 weeks (a major drought in comparison to the love I generally give to her). I’m not ungrateful, I just wish my door wasn’t a 9ft fragment of cloth that filtered nothing but my nakedness.
I feel like I’m 16 again, whispering phone calls to my boyfriend at 3am so my mom won’t hear me on the opposite side of the house through dog snores and step-dad snore-gargles.
Do you know what it’s like to live with rules again at 24!?
I’m like the fat kid who’s mom thinks she’s cute; packing cookies and Dr. Pepper’s in her lunch with little notes. Oh wait, I was that kid.
I also recall cutting a bad-behavior strip of bangs down to the scalp and giving it a 5th grade girl comb-over. This was successful for about a week until it started to spike through the rest of my rat’s nest.
I was sitting at lunch, pretending to do a news report in my made-up Chinese jargon. Then, when the jezebel’s started laughing, I was like, “Oh cool, I’m fuckin’ hilarious”. Guess who wasn’t hilarious? The fat kid.
Yeah, they were laughing at the stub of bangs navigating North point-blank on the top of my head. Like a drunk version of Alf-Alfa’s signature spike.
Or how about the time Cayla, more like Lucifer, asked me what size my pants were. Want to know what my award winning response was? “I don’t know, my mom buys my clothes.”
That one ranks at number 4 in the book of things not to say when you’re in the 5th grade. My life is full of treasures like these.
There are no diamonds in my rough.

.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Little People/Big Lives

I woke up to a Townes Van Zandt song i forgot to remove from my shuffle (White Freightliner Blues). Though the bluegrass/blues feel is charming, it's a once in a blue moon track. Just because you love an artist doesn't mean you have to love all of his work.
I felt like i was part of the Little People farm clan.
This was Sims circa 1989ish. Had they had access to what i woke up to, it would have been their anthem.

In other exciting news, it looks to be a bleak day filled with Fiona Apple (shameless guilty pleasure), Steve Earle and fresh pack of cigarettes. The tiny office i am currenly inhabiting at my aunt's has become stale and irritable. I miss Dallas and the no-job factor is really starting to weigh down on me. I have to save at least $1000 to move to AZ by June but at this rate, i feel like i'll be stuck here forever. I just want to hurry up and get my shit together and get my life on track. And once i get there, i have to start looking at schools. Gar.
I hate making plans for my life, it's so... not free? And now that i actually have made plans and set a goal, the idleness is killing me.
Life, it's fun until you make plans.
But i suppose love makes it worth it.
Le sigh.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Joplinism - Woman Juice

I had a dream last night about a silent conversation with Janis Joplin.
She was still alive and looked the same but with a leathery face. She was kind and empowering just as all the footage of her reveals her to be. She offered no verbal advice but her presence spoke volumes and the message was a warm embrace encouraging my idependence as a woman. I don't remember verbatim the dream, but she kicked open a door for me, metaphorically.
I love being idependent but sometimes i truly feel like i can't live without my partner and it tortures the hell out of me. But here came Janis, blasting me with her awesome vibrant colors and letting me know it's all okay.
It was a very welcomed dream, especially since i went to bed angry at my boyfriend.
I woke up thinking of the Descartes' mediatation about dreams and reality. I know he "dubunks" his own theory but sometimes i feel i live more in my dreams than i do in reality. I think alot of people experience the same feeling. I live vicariously through a different part of myself in my dreams, a part of myself that i'm a stranger to; some subconcious aspect of my personality that i never partake in.
And although i don't really believe that dreams try to tell you something, i do believe that when you wake up with that feeling in your chest, that undeniable pull that says your dream is significant; i don't think it should be ignored.
I hold Janis very close to my heart and ironically, she was in my dream when i went to bed furious at my "soul mate".
And i just can't ignore that.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!"

I'm ready to fall asleep and forget the day's events.
Why does my mood seem to be centered around the state of my relationship? Do men have this same problem?
I work very hard against this, telling myself to be more than my relationship because i feel like i let it define me sometimes.
Apparently the stradegy has failed and it's sad because i'm a very independent woman and very self-sufficent. So the affect my relationship has on me is very upsetting sometimes because as hard as i work against it, i always seem to buckle under.
Sigh.

Exercising My Right To Free Speech (in a non-political way)

Aunt Flow still hasn't arrived and I'm sure everyone is enoying the positive experience that comes with her late arrival. What is it about hormones that make women hate men, yet, wield an undying desire for them? It's not a very comfortable place to be, especially when your hormones are all askew, weighing down on one emotion while still maintaing contact with all the others. It's like being stuck on a roller coaster mid-slant on the biggest "hill", mentally. It's actually rather fucked up.
Perks of being a woman? Sex, sex toys, hair styles, the freedom to listen to Aretha, Janis and Erykah and fully understand them, chocolate, chocolate and I'm one of the rare few that loves the curves (once you've bonded with them, you don't wanna live without em). Oh, and the bubbles baths.
Plus, we can fix ugly without plastic surgery though few seem to embrace this. :/
I'd like my face non-plastic please.

The Grrr(!) Factor

The inner turmoil of being a thinker is far worse than anything anyone can ever say. Every relationship i've ever had has benefited negatively due to this aspect of my personality. It's not like a switch that i can easily flip on or off, it just happens. Like a physical reaction to someone throwing a punch at your face; you're either blind-sided or you sheild your face. With the exception that there is no defense to your thoughts, only the turmoil.
Sigh.
Being a thinker entails more than silence. It's a totally different view on virtually everything, because the average thinker is also an observer and anyone who truly observes sees things very differently. Whereas conversation for most consists of exchanging ideas and thoughts, for a thinker, it consists of wondering where the thoughts and words the talker is producing come from and why. So the conversation is more like a piece of art work rather than a casual exchange of words. It's a very confusing place to spend most of your time and though it's not lonely, it can be a very dark place.
I write this because i'm stuck there now. There is no physical forwarding action in the direction i'm headed in right now with my life, so i'm running the race mentally. It's very stressful and i find myself staring at things and trying to pause whatever moment i'm in, in hopes to avoid widespread panic in my brain. I can't say that i'm depressed but i'm certainly far below content.
However, i have stopped biting my nails. Do you know what it's like to scratch with nails after 24 years of scratching with nubs?


post sript:
A chipper, free album download (type in 0.00)
Fancy Feast/Cari Music
Like chicken soup for the vaginal soul.