I think i've entered some dark portal of my mind. My sarcasm has turned to cynicism and whatever scrap i was clinging to of the person i was prior to this one seems to have deteriorated. i can't really say i'm unhappy nor can i say that i'm happy. I'm pretty numb to everything - no satisfaction to be had. I've readjusted my point of view and still have only stayed "steady" by the skin of my teeth.
Each day berates my optimism with a new enigma. My time is pressed between frustration and repression and the only benefit of being conscious is that at the end of the day, i can elude it all by sleep.
I can't say that i'm horribly depressed but it seems that all creative apertures have been sealed. I have no problem waiting but the weight of the days cumber me with more conflicting thoughts. I truly feel as if i'm losing my mind. The only remedy is dark folk music filled with black happiness and dark, cheeky harmonies.
It's all temporary but the wait is brutal.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Friday, January 28, 2011
Musical Earmuffs
There's nothing in the world to lick your wounds like fresh music to your ears. Lately, i've been listening to music with a lot of seemingly uncoordinated noise - it seems to tickle the nerves of my utter confusion in my own life. It soothes them in a way nothing else has dared attempt. There's always an underlying melodic phrase of chords being played beneath the layers of noise that's incredibly beautiful and ties the rest of the noise together.
If only i could just tune everything else out and listen to this all day, i'd be much better off.
I really am starting to dislike people :/
If only i could just tune everything else out and listen to this all day, i'd be much better off.
I really am starting to dislike people :/
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
How the hell do people do this?
Is there some secret i'm missing when it comes to men and women?
All of these years, i've studied up on man-code and learned how to participate in what they do just to be around them because i like men, they're interesting and fascinating. But here i've found the one i can't quite understand. The one i can't bombard with questions, the one that isn't like all the other ones or much like me for that matter. Part of me rejoices while the other part scratches it's head in frustration. It's like a complicated math problem. Add here, subtract there, whoops, erase this, multiply this, divide that until the scramble of numbers and letters and random punctuations are all so deeply encoded you just throw your hands up. The problem with women is that we're all helpers. We all want to find a problem so we can fix it. We never think that we can be the problem because we're constantly trying to help fix a problem. The problem with men is that they don't want help. We're constantly trying to construct them in to creatures we can co-exist with thinking all along that's what they want but, it's not. They just want to be left alone, only to dabble in the realm of affection with their mate when it suits them.
It's hard to accept that this is how life works. How people in general work. No one is right and no one is wrong, we're simply doing what's best for our individual selves, right? So why do we invest so much time and effort in to our relationships? Each companion trying to help shape the other one in to a suitable creature?
Has anyone ever found a perfect someone?
Here i am, always talking about how much i love flaws until i realize that i'm deeply wounded by some of them. How do we not take things personally in our personal relationships?
How the fuck does this all work?
All of these years, i've studied up on man-code and learned how to participate in what they do just to be around them because i like men, they're interesting and fascinating. But here i've found the one i can't quite understand. The one i can't bombard with questions, the one that isn't like all the other ones or much like me for that matter. Part of me rejoices while the other part scratches it's head in frustration. It's like a complicated math problem. Add here, subtract there, whoops, erase this, multiply this, divide that until the scramble of numbers and letters and random punctuations are all so deeply encoded you just throw your hands up. The problem with women is that we're all helpers. We all want to find a problem so we can fix it. We never think that we can be the problem because we're constantly trying to help fix a problem. The problem with men is that they don't want help. We're constantly trying to construct them in to creatures we can co-exist with thinking all along that's what they want but, it's not. They just want to be left alone, only to dabble in the realm of affection with their mate when it suits them.
It's hard to accept that this is how life works. How people in general work. No one is right and no one is wrong, we're simply doing what's best for our individual selves, right? So why do we invest so much time and effort in to our relationships? Each companion trying to help shape the other one in to a suitable creature?
Has anyone ever found a perfect someone?
Here i am, always talking about how much i love flaws until i realize that i'm deeply wounded by some of them. How do we not take things personally in our personal relationships?
How the fuck does this all work?
Pinned to Texas
My body type is as follows:
5'2.5
Breast L-XL
Waist M
Hips L
How do you buy clothes for that? Safety pins are a big-breasted girl's best friend when it comes to button-up blouses.
People here (in Arizona) don't share my curves though...
That being said, i have realized that i'm actually proud to be from Texas... land of curvy, beautiful, flawed women. Yes, i said it. All of my years of bitching and complaining about the place has turned in to random longings for places i used to go. The lakes, the big empty fields, the big 100-year-old trees, even the conservative friendly people. Manners and handshakes are all part of Texas culture, something to be missed in the dregs of the sand.
Arizona, on the other hand... there's the apparent staring, blatant oblivion in the presence of others talking, no "excuse me" this or "pardon me" that. All the people here seem to have taken some course on the omission of manners and the disregarding of other's present. It's not a miserable place, just a lonely one. One where you come to be ignored and forgotten by the rest of the world. A place to hide, really.
On the other hand, the being-ignored is beneficial when in public places. No sales people hounding you. But, i kind of miss the friendliness of being somewhere and having a random conversation with a polite southerner.
It's no surprise i miss Texas, i just thought it would take longer to realize that it really is my home.
So like my aunt's friend said when my aunt moved; i'm "just on vacation".
5'2.5
Breast L-XL
Waist M
Hips L
How do you buy clothes for that? Safety pins are a big-breasted girl's best friend when it comes to button-up blouses.
People here (in Arizona) don't share my curves though...
That being said, i have realized that i'm actually proud to be from Texas... land of curvy, beautiful, flawed women. Yes, i said it. All of my years of bitching and complaining about the place has turned in to random longings for places i used to go. The lakes, the big empty fields, the big 100-year-old trees, even the conservative friendly people. Manners and handshakes are all part of Texas culture, something to be missed in the dregs of the sand.
Arizona, on the other hand... there's the apparent staring, blatant oblivion in the presence of others talking, no "excuse me" this or "pardon me" that. All the people here seem to have taken some course on the omission of manners and the disregarding of other's present. It's not a miserable place, just a lonely one. One where you come to be ignored and forgotten by the rest of the world. A place to hide, really.
On the other hand, the being-ignored is beneficial when in public places. No sales people hounding you. But, i kind of miss the friendliness of being somewhere and having a random conversation with a polite southerner.
It's no surprise i miss Texas, i just thought it would take longer to realize that it really is my home.
So like my aunt's friend said when my aunt moved; i'm "just on vacation".
Monday, January 24, 2011
The boredom of prestigious coffee shops
There is a man who goes in to the coffee shop i'm working for everyday. I guess he's gone there for years because everyone seems to know him. But lately, everyone has been asking him where his wife has been. And he always has an excuse:
"She's at work"
"She's takin' the day off"
"She's not feeling well"
"I'm on my way to pick her up now"
He's older, mid to late sixties i'd say? A few liver spots to compliment his face and arms and these tiny glasses that sit perfectly at the top of his nose. He's very polite, very kind and talkative and also very unsettling.
Everyday for the past two weeks, i've heard every excuse possible as to his wife's absence.
I've come to my own set of conclusions:
-death
-murder
-divorce
-Alzheimer's
He's shady on the topic and cleverly talks about what she does at her job but not about her.
Working at a coffee shop, you'll see the same people everyday throughout the day so it's no surprise to see him come in later in the afternoon.
Just last week, he came in around noon for a refill and a co-worker asked him where his wife was... again.
"Oh, she was with me this morning."
She and i had both worked the morning shift and the man was minus one.
"I was here this morning, remember?" She smiled but i knew she was thinking the same thing "LIIIAAARRRR"
"Oh, well, maybe she was in the car... i don't really remember.."
Well guess what? I remember him saying she was at work that morning and would be sure to tell her the girls at the coffee shop said "hello."
So, i ask; "Who is Linda and what happened to her?"
"She's at work"
"She's takin' the day off"
"She's not feeling well"
"I'm on my way to pick her up now"
He's older, mid to late sixties i'd say? A few liver spots to compliment his face and arms and these tiny glasses that sit perfectly at the top of his nose. He's very polite, very kind and talkative and also very unsettling.
Everyday for the past two weeks, i've heard every excuse possible as to his wife's absence.
I've come to my own set of conclusions:
-death
-murder
-divorce
-Alzheimer's
He's shady on the topic and cleverly talks about what she does at her job but not about her.
Working at a coffee shop, you'll see the same people everyday throughout the day so it's no surprise to see him come in later in the afternoon.
Just last week, he came in around noon for a refill and a co-worker asked him where his wife was... again.
"Oh, she was with me this morning."
She and i had both worked the morning shift and the man was minus one.
"I was here this morning, remember?" She smiled but i knew she was thinking the same thing "LIIIAAARRRR"
"Oh, well, maybe she was in the car... i don't really remember.."
Well guess what? I remember him saying she was at work that morning and would be sure to tell her the girls at the coffee shop said "hello."
So, i ask; "Who is Linda and what happened to her?"
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Stuck in the Static
I'm in that strange realm of confusion and bravery. A wooded area that you keep venturing though even though the trees are getting thicker and the sunlight stops peeking though their leaves. I can feel my courage faltering - watched all of my hopes for new adventure shatter around me and bleed reality. My eyes burn from all of these miserable colors - the alone feeling that feels like lead on my chest. And action has been replaced by the default defense of hiding inside of myself. But even my mind has sided with confusion and whatever bravery i have is stemming from something i'm not aware of inside of myself. I can't really explain what's happening but, old habits die hard and welcome back observation. So basically, i'm watching myself fall in to this pit of memories and feelings i thought i'd long ago forgotten - that i'd forgiven and said "to hell with - can't change that".
But apparently, the caves of your memory still manage to drink sunlight sometimes and you're left to sift though the wreckage your nagging will can't compete with.
The fight inside of me shed it's armor and joined forces with it's opponent. So here i am, horribly incomplete. And i can't find room to be myself. Yeah, i'm a bit dramatic but explain that to the chaos of your thoughts; rationality packed it's bags and flew the coop so i'll just sit here. Stoop kid. Watching everything happen around me. What is this place?
Like all of my battles, i'll duel until the death - scrape the bottom of my courage until my fingers bleed. And this is my life. Undoubtably, it could be worse so, i know i'll be alright. But until then, here i am, stuck in the static.
So, the question that i'll be answering the next few weeks/months - perhaps year; What is bravery and does it exist inside of me?
And if not bravery, then what keeps me fighting?
What keeps everyone fighting?
But apparently, the caves of your memory still manage to drink sunlight sometimes and you're left to sift though the wreckage your nagging will can't compete with.
The fight inside of me shed it's armor and joined forces with it's opponent. So here i am, horribly incomplete. And i can't find room to be myself. Yeah, i'm a bit dramatic but explain that to the chaos of your thoughts; rationality packed it's bags and flew the coop so i'll just sit here. Stoop kid. Watching everything happen around me. What is this place?
Like all of my battles, i'll duel until the death - scrape the bottom of my courage until my fingers bleed. And this is my life. Undoubtably, it could be worse so, i know i'll be alright. But until then, here i am, stuck in the static.
So, the question that i'll be answering the next few weeks/months - perhaps year; What is bravery and does it exist inside of me?
And if not bravery, then what keeps me fighting?
What keeps everyone fighting?
Sunday, January 16, 2011
When You're THERE
Why do we always find ourselves outside of ourselves at the most crucial times? Being strong comes with facing challenges head-on when you're weak. It's all so cliche but, not giving up is part of wearing the badge of bravery. But, it's getting harder. You find that a lot of your bravery comes with having allies. So, does this make me stronger, for having one strong ally to stand behind each battle? Unfortunately, for me, i do need the support of at least one person, for confirmation purposes at the very least. Does this make my trust in myself weaker? Perhaps it's just age. I don't even know anymore, whatever colors are around me have all blended in to a neutral brown and everything just looks like shit. But there's still Matt, who stands by me and my far-away friends, who still love me. I know i will be okay, i just hate when i feel this weak. Still fighting = bravery but, i still feel like i'm a piece of shit for even losing ground. But, the benefit of being atheist means i believe there is no anything that really fits in to any mold. So doesn't this make me human? All to human? To be confused and frustrated and disappointed and at times, weak?
This is it. This is what i have.
I know i'm still brave but hopefully i'll feel it again very soon.
This is it. This is what i have.
I know i'm still brave but hopefully i'll feel it again very soon.
Friday, January 07, 2011
Trashy Love Glitter
10 years of loving someone and it still happened - that warm, velvety feeling that washes over you when you know you're in love. I know, i know but, it hasn't happened in so long. Not the same way it stuck me last night. Just lying there, thinking about "The Unbearable Lightness of Being" about how Tereza couldn't sleep without touching Tomas. I'm a person who's mind starts spinning the second my head touches the pillow. But, last night, i shared a pillow and felt myself washed over in a warm glow pulsating through the minor contact of my hand on Matt's back. I also found myself doing one of those ever-creepy-girl things where i modified my breathing so i could breathe in his scent when he exhaled. It's really not as psycho-bitch as it sounds but, i'd do no good defending my honor in accusations because i'd be uncomfortable if someone told me that.
It's an incredible feeling and yes, i'll write all about it until it's passed because i know this won't last forever, not this feeling. This relationship has a lot of potential and opportunities for all kinds of faces of love but, this specific feeling will eventually only come in spurts and because of that, i will litter these cyber-pages with all my trashy love glitter.
Sorry.
It's an incredible feeling and yes, i'll write all about it until it's passed because i know this won't last forever, not this feeling. This relationship has a lot of potential and opportunities for all kinds of faces of love but, this specific feeling will eventually only come in spurts and because of that, i will litter these cyber-pages with all my trashy love glitter.
Sorry.
Thursday, January 06, 2011
The Unasked-For Update
So, i made it. Finally out of Texas and completely on my own. An entirely new chapter, an entirely clean slate - my entire past a blank sheet to sketch anything i like across.
And i have Matt. :)
Who knew just sitting with someone was worth a thousand words and a billion butterflies?
And i have Matt. :)
Who knew just sitting with someone was worth a thousand words and a billion butterflies?
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