The inner turmoil of being a thinker is far worse than anything anyone can ever say. Every relationship i've ever had has benefited negatively due to this aspect of my personality. It's not like a switch that i can easily flip on or off, it just happens. Like a physical reaction to someone throwing a punch at your face; you're either blind-sided or you sheild your face. With the exception that there is no defense to your thoughts, only the turmoil.
Sigh.
Being a thinker entails more than silence. It's a totally different view on virtually everything, because the average thinker is also an observer and anyone who truly observes sees things very differently. Whereas conversation for most consists of exchanging ideas and thoughts, for a thinker, it consists of wondering where the thoughts and words the talker is producing come from and why. So the conversation is more like a piece of art work rather than a casual exchange of words. It's a very confusing place to spend most of your time and though it's not lonely, it can be a very dark place.
I write this because i'm stuck there now. There is no physical forwarding action in the direction i'm headed in right now with my life, so i'm running the race mentally. It's very stressful and i find myself staring at things and trying to pause whatever moment i'm in, in hopes to avoid widespread panic in my brain. I can't say that i'm depressed but i'm certainly far below content.
However, i have stopped biting my nails. Do you know what it's like to scratch with nails after 24 years of scratching with nubs?
post sript:
A chipper, free album download (type in 0.00)
Fancy Feast/Cari Music
Like chicken soup for the vaginal soul.
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